It's the Holiday Spirit. Arizona Style.

Today I waited patiently with my blinker on for a parking spot that was almost two miles away from my destination - Costco. It was so far away that I knew I was going to get thirsty on my walk/journey to the store so I packed a water. I also contemplated getting the journey turned into a trilogy a la Lord of the Rings. Only Frodo has had a rougher journey than the one that I was prepping myself to endure.

And then? A car whipped around the corner and tried to take my spot. I got it, but they sat there and honked at me.

At me.

For a spot that I had waited for. For a long time I waited. And it wasn't even a good spot.

To the asshat that made me feel guilty for taking a spot that I had waited for?

Bite me. And then Happy Holidays!

Let's Start with the Basics - Parking.

Ready, Friends?

It is that time of the week. The time when you take a break from all that work you are doing for your weekly driving lesson.

We are going to start with an easy one.

Or more accurately, what should be an easy one.

Parking.

Do you know what chaps my ass?

This:

No, this is not a picture from England. This is my street. I LOVE that both red cars on either side of the road are parked facing the wrong direction. It is a shitload of awesome around my house, let me tell you.

 Rule Number One: When you park, you have to park (by law) in the direction that the traffic flows. Passenger side against the curb.  IT JUST MAKES SENSE. That way, when you go to drive away from your parking spot, you are NOT driving on the WRONG side of the road.

In addition, your craptastic parking job won't freak out regular, less imaginative drivers who are driving down the correct side of the road.

You would think especially near intersections, like in the photo above, you would stick to the rules. Apparently NOT SO MUCH.

Exhibit B:

Notice the black truck and the white car. Same intersection, different day. I was all, "I have had it, Jeremiah. I am calling the non-emergency line because there are too many idiots living near us." Jeremiah's response: "Um, considering it is the police officer's SON, I don't think they will really care." And then I said a profanity that is not fit for your gentle ears. 

To be fair, I was a country girl growing up and did not have to do street parking. My senior year of college I had to park on the street for like, two minutes, and my friend Derek went ape-shit and informed me that I was on the wrong side and I should move my car immediately. Friends don't let friends park on the wrong side of the road. 

But apparently the police do.

And I am SORRY, but if you have lived in the city or cramped suburbs, you have NO excuse. You should know the rules.


And then let us examine Exhibit 3: Parking Lot

I took these pictures of Old Red IN ONE DAY. Old Red is in the center. In general, this is how bad the parking is in Arizona. People are not only incapable of parking correctly on the street, but it is also a challenge to pull forward into a spot. And forget backing up and straightening the cars out a bit. That would be an inconvenience.

I got a new car (more on this later) and I have already been scraped up in the school parking lot. In addition, Jeremiah says that my new vehicle is a magnet for crappy drivers. We go into a store? No one parked around me. We come out? Idiots parked in the same parking spot as me. Not next to me, but squished right in there with me.

 Bastards.

So I guess what I am saying is this: Be aware of parking rules in your area. People do NOT love it when you park on the wrong side of the road. You are NOT too special to follow the rules like everyone else. Suck it up and turn your freaking car around. And if you park crookedly, back the freak up and try it again.

Believe it or not, people notice your parking. And if they are like me and you park like this, they laugh at you and curse the day you were born.



And then they post the pictures online.

P.S. Okay, let's hear it. You KNOW there is something that irks you about other drivers. Spill. 

You Are Welcome, Arizona

As I was nearly killed by an idiot with a license (a license to KILL, if you will) while driving on my way home from work the other day, I began to think about all the other times that I have been (or nearly been, I guess) sacrificed by the horrible drivers here in the state of Arizona.

Friends? They are REALLY bad. As in, deadliest state in the country for driving. I read that in a book about Arizona. For my Arizona class that I took a few years ago. To include a statistic like that, it is almost like they are proud of how crappily they drive.

I would include the actual page number and name of the book, but it accidentally on purpose disappeared shortly after the class finished. First book I have ever been happy to lose.

Anyway, as many of you know, in the state of Arizona, NO SORT OF DRIVING CLASSES ARE REQUIRED in order to get a license. You just go in, prove your age, and get to drive. I might be missing a few little steps, but this is generally how it goes.

I could be all stereotypical and blame the driving just on people who grew up here, but guess what? Arizona is the Plymouth Rock of the Southwest. Those of us that have migrated here are like the pilgrims (Who we all know were not exactly the cream of the crop in Europe. More like the hookers and prisoners.) We seem to have forgotten our skills upon arriving in the new land, friends. We really have. Plus, let us not forget the joy that is Sun City (where I would not mind living but I am not old enough) where the cars are big, the drivers are slow, and the paths those big slow cars drive are deadly.

So as my gift to Arizona, my gift to all of us, really, I am going to offer weekly (or every other weekly. It depends on how much other charity/volunteer work I am doing besides this.) driving tips on here. Now if you know a driver in another state that might need a gentle (or not so gentle) reminder that they are an asshat and need to practice their driving skills, please refer them here. Or forward it to them. Whatevs. I just want to give back to my community, you know?

Stay tuned next week for our first lesson. Please note that you should NOT be driving while reading this lesson. This is more like, instruction in the classroom, practice what you learn later sorts of education.

Dexter

The other night Jeremiah and I were watching Dexter. We're sort of addicted. We just finished Season 4, and if you tell me anything about Season 5 I will stop talking to you for forever.

Seriously.

Anyway, this scene comes up (ignore the subtitles. unless you can read them, then good for you):



And next to me I feel Jeremiah shaking. Shaking. I look over and he manages to sputter out, "That's what it's like riding in the car with you!"

Thanks, Babe. Thanks so much.

And I will never apologize for singing in the car. Or for my love of eighties music.

p.s. I just want to clarify that I may sing in the car and wave my arms sometimes, but I never text while driving and very rarely even talk on the phone. Just some singing.

It's Been Seven Hours and Fifteen days or, Nothing Compares 2U

Does anyone else still sing Sinead O'Connor songs?

No?

Just me?

Huh. I can really belt it out at home.  Sinead's tape was one of my very first cassette tapes. Ever. It was Sinead and Madonna's Like a Prayer. Loved them both. I've included a much older O'Connor for you, if you'd like to listen while you read.




And actually, I was thinking that next week will be the two year anniversary of my car accident. So "it's been two years and zero days...since they tried to take my car away..."

Yeah. If you don't know me well or haven't been reading long, I've got a *slight* addiction to my car. It's a Subaru. An Outback. When I got my job here in Arizona my dad packed it full of my stuff, I added my cat to the passenger seat, and off we went. My grandma would say that we were "off like a dirty diaper." Is my grandma the only one who says that?

Anyway, I was sitting at a red light near where I work, in the left turn lane. Facing north, wanting to turn west. Got it pictured in your head? A car going east and a car going west ran THEIR red light and I think that one of them might have been turning? Who knows. Regardless, both truck and SUV went spinning around in the intersection, connected. The SUV came loose, shot out of the intersection, and came towards me head on. If you would like to visualize my expression, it was one of disbelief. Mouth open. "Why the face!" and "Why me?" kept running through my head. Then, of all the amazing things, the SUV turned at last minute and didn't hit me. They went past my passenger side and I thought I was in the clear. Just freakin' kidding. They hit the rear passenger side. Hard. And then I was sitting there in six lanes of traffic, no one stopping for the three car accident (welcome to Phoenix, people). I couldn't get out of my car until an officer stopped traffic to let me out. (Dad, this time I remembered to put it in park. You only forget to do that just the one time.)

 I called Jeremiah because I was flipping out and sad. Then I called a coworker who raced down to be with me. What a good friend. I was a shaky, crying mess. Mostly because I think that I treat others how I want to be treated and I didn't think I deserved being hit while sitting at a red light. And yes, it was a delight calling my insurance company to tell them that I was hit while at a standstill. So I was rear-ended? No. Well, how did I get hit? I must have been moving a little? No. Just so you can get in-the-moment-pissed-off with me, both drivers were uninsured and driving cars that didn't belong to them. Again, welcome to Phoenix. Luckily, the owners of the cars DID have insurance and in the end, I win. I always do.

Subaru held up like a pro. Poor thing took the brunt of the hit. Somewhere I have pictures of the SUV that hit me and they were in much worse shape. Well, duh, but I mean specifically from hitting MY car, not from the other accident.

It was over four thousand dollars damage and they still didn't total my car. Subarus hold a lot of their resale value. I'm surprised you didn't know that (name the movie). They had to replace the whole side panel and the back one, too.

 And I'm still in Subaru to this very day. Someday very soon I might need a new car. And I will probably cry, because that's what I do.  But I will remember how Subaru took care of me and it is that thought that will keep me moving on.

Anyone else have weird car attachments?

And in case you would like original Sinead, here you go:

Roads are for Sissies

As I was waiting to pull into the school parking lot today, a man in his driveway started to back into me. He didn't want to wait for anyone. But I couldn't pull any farther forward, so he had to wait.

Oh, just kidding.

He put his car in drive and drove through his driveway, his lawn, and HIS NEIGHBOR'S LAWN to get to the road where it was less congested.

Um...

Update: I just spoke with someone else at the school that witnessed the same man driving his SUV with a TRAILER ATTACHED the same way - through other people's lawns. And then, because the road becomes sort of one way, he ran through the cone barricade set up by the school so he could go the way he wanted to go.

Auto-Bastards

So.

On my way to work this morning, I got in the left lane because they are doing CONSTRUCTION (which, by the way, someone needs to tell these idiots that they should have done the work during the summer because now there are a trillion more people trying to get to and from the area) on the right lane and it merges to one lane. The left. Guess how many people (assholes) got out of their spot in the left lane when traffic stopped and drove as far as they could (sometimes only four car lengths) and then cut back over.

Guess.

Five. It may not seem like a lot, but it is. Especially when it stops my heart each time and a string of profanities come out of my mouth like word vomit. What the heck makes you so important that you get to cut ahead of everyone else? Really? What are you going to that is more important than me getting to work on time? A drug deal? B&E?

Give.Me.A.Break.

Highway to Hell, or, Why I'm Not Allowed to Grocery Shop Alone

If you haven't heard yet, many of the drivers in Arizona can't drive well. It's a fact. I had to take a wonderful class on the history & culture & government in AZ. Had to. In order to be highly qualified. Whatever. The only thing I remember from my class is that AZ has one of the highest (if not the highest) rates with regards to car accidents. Cheery, right?

I don't know. I might still be bitter about the accident last year when I was on my way home from work, sitting at a red light when two cars in cross-traffic ran their red light, came out of the intersection, and HIT MY CAR. Zero miles per hour. Stopped. Still I get hit. They came at me from the front and hit the passenger side and my hatch. Subaru intervention, I was fine.

And I might be remembering the time I came home from work only to find boyfriend hopping around with a naughty grin on his face. "Guess what happened?" he says impishly. Apparently, he was driving home and being tailed when someone cut him off. He had to slow down, the car tailing him wasn't paying attention, and in an effort to not ram into boyfriend, he did a swerve, overcompensating and running into the median. I'm picturing a blockbuster movie car crash, are you? Boyfriend looks in his rear view mirror and sees flames and wreckage...Just kidding, but the drivers here are bad. To the point where you can take a bit of joy in seeing a tailgating idiot ruin their car (while not hurting anyone else).

Flash forward to yesterday at the grocery store. I met boyfriend there because I had a previous engagement. I am behind a soccer mom in her shiny new SUV. Looking all soccer mom-y. She passes a spot. As she passes it, I see the spot. Turn on my turn signal. Wait for her to creep forward so I can have it. Then she sees it. Slams on the breaks, starts backing up. Oh hell no. One thing you must know about me is I am one stubborn chickie. I sat in my car, turn signal on. Still no signal from Soccer Mom. I wait. She waits. I win, because she tries to swing forward and back in to the spot and that is when I take it! Three cheers for Emily. No? Am I the only one cheering? So sad.

I get out of my car and start walking, wishing Jeremiah was there because he (or his tattoos, whatever) help(s) dissolve a lot of conflict. I don't know why (funny side dish: unloading the trunk with the garage door open awhile ago, we watched as the Jesus people pimped Jesus door to door (which, by the way, I don't think Jesus would have appreciated, honestly) I'm getting feisty because I know our house is next. Jeremiah picks up the tire iron, turns around, and they walk right on past. It might have had something to do with the flames etched into his leg. Maybe the tire iron? Maybe both.) So anyway, no boyfriend to help me. This lady comes flying after me, like that scene from Terminator when they are in the car and look out the back window and bad terminator is catching up with them. You know the scene? It was like that.

She catches up and says "YOU are the reason for all the bad drivers and YOU, honey, are the reason people get so angry. I had that spot picked out before you even turned down the aisle!" It is at this point that I know she doesn't know my mom, because mom always says you lose your point when you exaggerate and this lady was clearly exaggerating because I was behind her the whole time. Secondly, well, she was starting to piss me off. I was all, "Oh no you didn't." I whipped around. "You did NOT have that spot picked out! You saw that spot after you passed it and then decided you should be able to back up to get it. Not ONCE did you turn on a turn signal! You passed it, too bad. My spot." (And you know what? Where I'm from, people signal their driving intentions. She didn't. Who's the bad driver now, right? Plus, did she back into her new spot? Take a guess.) And then she said "blah blah blabbity blah." And she might have called me honey again. To which I responded, "You? Are full of it!" and walked away. I did some hand waving, too.

This is why we usually strictly follow the rule: Emily shalt not shop alone.


p.s. I did not use any naughty words because she was towing a very embarrassed teen daughter and I am NOT that kind of person. But I will wave my arms around, because I am still that kind of person.

p.p.s. 5/13/10 - I was just riding with a co-worker who was talking about the process of getting her son a license. Apparently, here in AZ, you do NOT have to take any classes. You do NOT have to drive with an instructor. You do NOT have to document road time. You just get a permit, take a test. Then you get your license. You scare me, AZ. You scare me. No wonder there are such horrible drivers here.