Today I waited patiently with my blinker on for a parking spot that was almost two miles away from my destination - Costco. It was so far away that I knew I was going to get thirsty on my walk/journey to the store so I packed a water. I also contemplated getting the journey turned into a trilogy a la Lord of the Rings. Only Frodo has had a rougher journey than the one that I was prepping myself to endure.
And then? A car whipped around the corner and tried to take my spot. I got it, but they sat there and honked at me.
At me.
For a spot that I had waited for. For a long time I waited. And it wasn't even a good spot.
To the asshat that made me feel guilty for taking a spot that I had waited for?
Bite me. And then Happy Holidays!
It doesn't have a lot of trees, animals, or any big lakes, but it does have its perks. Sunshine every day and a daily forecast of warm or hot. This has two benefits. One, getting dressed is a snap. Two, every day is sandal day! Arizona isn't perfect, but it is where we are currently calling home. We are just two youngsters from the Midwest, trying to survive in the desert. And this is our story.
Showing posts with label dumb people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dumb people. Show all posts
11.29.2012
Determined.
Yesterday, mid-way through my morning, I realized that I dreamed that I was having a very determined conversation with Jeremiah. Then I realized (with a certain amount of dread) that it might not have been a dream. You all know how much I like to talk in my sleep and have night terrors.
So I called Jeremiah.
E: By chance was I talking in my sleep last night?
J: Mmmm...Holy crap! Yes!
E: And my topic of conversation was...?
J: I have no clue. I was like, "WTF?!" (Except he actually said it.) You did not make any sense at all. And you would not stop talking.
E: Yeah, I woke up feeling so determined. Like I had tried to accomplish something fantastic in my sleep.
J: Well, you did not. I told you that you were not awake. Over and over again. Eventually you gave up.
E: I'm a quitter. Damn it.
So that made me laugh for awhile. Because my sleep is disrupted by Jeremiah's snoring on a regular basis. I am happy to return the interrupted sleep favor.
Also, you know what? I was getting into my car (I shall not be telling you where I was, but I certainly was not at work. No sir.) and this girl across the street was yelling at her son, who was maybe two. He was toddling his way towards the road and she was yelling, "Get your ass back here!" and when she caught him she asked him "What the hell were you thinking?".
First of all, please know that when I told you all to talk to your children, this is not the type of conversation to which I was referring.
Secondly, honey? Read a parenting book. That kid is not thinking ahead about dangers of the street. Plus, it will tell you not to swear at your toddler. Any parenting book. Give it a try.
So I called Jeremiah.
E: By chance was I talking in my sleep last night?
J: Mmmm...Holy crap! Yes!
E: And my topic of conversation was...?
J: I have no clue. I was like, "WTF?!" (Except he actually said it.) You did not make any sense at all. And you would not stop talking.
E: Yeah, I woke up feeling so determined. Like I had tried to accomplish something fantastic in my sleep.
J: Well, you did not. I told you that you were not awake. Over and over again. Eventually you gave up.
E: I'm a quitter. Damn it.
So that made me laugh for awhile. Because my sleep is disrupted by Jeremiah's snoring on a regular basis. I am happy to return the interrupted sleep favor.
Also, you know what? I was getting into my car (I shall not be telling you where I was, but I certainly was not at work. No sir.) and this girl across the street was yelling at her son, who was maybe two. He was toddling his way towards the road and she was yelling, "Get your ass back here!" and when she caught him she asked him "What the hell were you thinking?".
First of all, please know that when I told you all to talk to your children, this is not the type of conversation to which I was referring.
Secondly, honey? Read a parenting book. That kid is not thinking ahead about dangers of the street. Plus, it will tell you not to swear at your toddler. Any parenting book. Give it a try.
11.15.2012
Craptacular Day.
Let me tell you why today is sort of sucky.
1. My neighbor decided last night to leave his dog out. Barking nonstop. At about three. I am pretty sure I saw Jeremiah cry and throw a mini-tantrum as he called animal control. The situation was pretty bad. It lasted about an hour. Houses here are so close together that for the first few minutes of barking hell I actually thought the dog was IN THE BEDROOM. I was all, "What the effff? Did we get a new dog?"
2. I keep getting all these emails. And they are HILARIOUSLY degrading and condescending and passive aggressive. Hilarious in the sense that if I did not laugh, I would cry. I really wish I could share them with you all, because you seem like the type of people that could appreciate emails like that. But you know, ethics. Maybe I will forward them to myself so in the future I can look back and say, "Wow. That sucked."
3. I pulled a butt muscle while working out last night and it is slightly awkward walking around, rubbing my butt. Typically at work, other people are touching my butt. Naughty teachers.
4. I can't stop thinking of the emails. Maybe I just tell you about one of the situations? It makes me giggle just thinking about it. I'll get back to you.
5. I have been having horrible dreams. Three times within the last month I have dreamed of tornadoes. It is crazy, but my main concern is for the safety of my dogs and cats. Jeremiah can apparently take care of himself. Anyone who can analyze dreams for me, go right ahead. I am thinking the tornado signifies the disarray and chaos in my life right now. I also had a nightmare about my brother and ended up texting him and schooling him and then I was like, "Shit. That was a mom thing to do." Not very little sister-y of me.
6. I don't have a sixth thing, but I don't like odd numbers.
1. My neighbor decided last night to leave his dog out. Barking nonstop. At about three. I am pretty sure I saw Jeremiah cry and throw a mini-tantrum as he called animal control. The situation was pretty bad. It lasted about an hour. Houses here are so close together that for the first few minutes of barking hell I actually thought the dog was IN THE BEDROOM. I was all, "What the effff? Did we get a new dog?"
2. I keep getting all these emails. And they are HILARIOUSLY degrading and condescending and passive aggressive. Hilarious in the sense that if I did not laugh, I would cry. I really wish I could share them with you all, because you seem like the type of people that could appreciate emails like that. But you know, ethics. Maybe I will forward them to myself so in the future I can look back and say, "Wow. That sucked."
3. I pulled a butt muscle while working out last night and it is slightly awkward walking around, rubbing my butt. Typically at work, other people are touching my butt. Naughty teachers.
4. I can't stop thinking of the emails. Maybe I just tell you about one of the situations? It makes me giggle just thinking about it. I'll get back to you.
5. I have been having horrible dreams. Three times within the last month I have dreamed of tornadoes. It is crazy, but my main concern is for the safety of my dogs and cats. Jeremiah can apparently take care of himself. Anyone who can analyze dreams for me, go right ahead. I am thinking the tornado signifies the disarray and chaos in my life right now. I also had a nightmare about my brother and ended up texting him and schooling him and then I was like, "Shit. That was a mom thing to do." Not very little sister-y of me.
6. I don't have a sixth thing, but I don't like odd numbers.
11.07.2012
Hello! My Name is Childless.
This weekend I was reading on Facebook a friend whose children had been reprimanded by a stranger in public. I don't know the details, so I am not really writing about the incident. What I am writing about is something that I have not been able to let go of since I read the responses to her post yesterday.
Someone (Okay. It was her husband. I was not going to mention it, but it got pretty ugly and at this point I am so disappointed in everything that played out that I do not give poo.) had responded that the reprimander, an older woman, was "a bitter, old, childless woman". Anger coursed through me and it would not stop. Has not stop.
To use childless as an insult?
To suggest that anyone without children must be bitter? My life is less fulfilling than someone who has children? I don't even understand this.
Not every woman has to have children to feel complete. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous.
Not every woman should be a parent. There are plenty of examples of these women in the news. After my accidental "trip" on prescription meds, I doubt my own parenting abilities. I fear I am a little nutty.
In addition, what about the women who have had children and lost them? The women who want to have (or wanted to have) children but could not? To them I imagine that being called childless is a slap in the face. The cruelest of comments.
I responded politely but with an obvious dislike of using the word childless as an insult. The response? That I think too much and that obviously any woman that would reprimand children that were not hers in public could NOT have children of her own (I mean, OBVIOUSLY).
Because all you parents raise your children in the same way? Because parents take an oath to never speak up in public when another person's children misbehave? Was there a secret handshake involved? Man, I am NOT pissed about being childless, but I AM pissed that I missed the secret handshake. I LOVE secret handshakes.
I responded just as politely as I had the first time but this time suggested that perhaps the woman had indeed raised children of her own, but simply did not agree with the parenting style that she was witnessing. Was she in the right? Maybe not. But again? You are still being insulting. And to assume that everyone thinks you are the most awesome parent and that you never make mistakes and everyone wants to parent just.like.you?
Is just wrong.
Regardless of how you look at it - calling someone bitter and childless is defensive and insulting. It's a shame that some of us can't just say "Whoops. I did not mean to offend anyone."
Instead the response back was this: Is calling someone dogless if they don't have a dog insulting?
No, and neither is just saying that someone without child is childless. It's an insult when you pair it with all those other words.
At this point, he decided that I was a bitter woman (I would like to point out that if Jeremiah EVER called any of my friends names or made insulting remarks it would get ugly. Not that he ever would.) and I was just jealous. And that I was what was wrong with the entire world - people that made everyone else walk on eggshells. It was a shame that this value of respecting other people's privacy was not taught anymore. I should not read her posts any more and next time her name pops up on my screen, I should just keep scrolling and mind my own business.
I responded by saying that if you post something on Facebook, you lose your right to tell me to mind my own business. And then I told him I would work on minding my own business though, if he would work on being less insulting and stop name calling. It was a shame that no one taught their children that anymore, I said, because it would make my job a lot easier. I also told him it was a shame that two adults could not disagree without one of them making it ugly.
And then I unfriended my friend. Because seriously? Even if a friend of mine was completely out of line (which I was not) and rude (again, I was not) I would still have Jeremiah lay off or delete the post. But she just let her husband call me jealous and bitter and everything else.
He also said he wished he had been there to give that woman a piece of her mind. Like, in the woman's room? My thought to this (which I did not say) was, Can she (my friend) not stand up for herself? And why do you need to yell at a woman? Too afraid to stand up to a man who might beat the shit out of your wimpy ass? So you go after women instead? That right there is a tough guy. Oh, wait. I mean an asshole.
Sad.
So he can have my friend from high school who apparently does NOT think too much and does not speak up for herself and her friends.
P.S. Edited to add: All the while he was attacking me, he and his wife posted about an adult bible study they were hosting at their house that weekend. That's really all I have to say about that.
Someone (Okay. It was her husband. I was not going to mention it, but it got pretty ugly and at this point I am so disappointed in everything that played out that I do not give poo.) had responded that the reprimander, an older woman, was "a bitter, old, childless woman". Anger coursed through me and it would not stop. Has not stop.
To use childless as an insult?
To suggest that anyone without children must be bitter? My life is less fulfilling than someone who has children? I don't even understand this.
Not every woman has to have children to feel complete. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous.
Not every woman should be a parent. There are plenty of examples of these women in the news. After my accidental "trip" on prescription meds, I doubt my own parenting abilities. I fear I am a little nutty.
In addition, what about the women who have had children and lost them? The women who want to have (or wanted to have) children but could not? To them I imagine that being called childless is a slap in the face. The cruelest of comments.
I responded politely but with an obvious dislike of using the word childless as an insult. The response? That I think too much and that obviously any woman that would reprimand children that were not hers in public could NOT have children of her own (I mean, OBVIOUSLY).
Because all you parents raise your children in the same way? Because parents take an oath to never speak up in public when another person's children misbehave? Was there a secret handshake involved? Man, I am NOT pissed about being childless, but I AM pissed that I missed the secret handshake. I LOVE secret handshakes.
I responded just as politely as I had the first time but this time suggested that perhaps the woman had indeed raised children of her own, but simply did not agree with the parenting style that she was witnessing. Was she in the right? Maybe not. But again? You are still being insulting. And to assume that everyone thinks you are the most awesome parent and that you never make mistakes and everyone wants to parent just.like.you?
Is just wrong.
Regardless of how you look at it - calling someone bitter and childless is defensive and insulting. It's a shame that some of us can't just say "Whoops. I did not mean to offend anyone."
Instead the response back was this: Is calling someone dogless if they don't have a dog insulting?
No, and neither is just saying that someone without child is childless. It's an insult when you pair it with all those other words.
At this point, he decided that I was a bitter woman (I would like to point out that if Jeremiah EVER called any of my friends names or made insulting remarks it would get ugly. Not that he ever would.) and I was just jealous. And that I was what was wrong with the entire world - people that made everyone else walk on eggshells. It was a shame that this value of respecting other people's privacy was not taught anymore. I should not read her posts any more and next time her name pops up on my screen, I should just keep scrolling and mind my own business.
I responded by saying that if you post something on Facebook, you lose your right to tell me to mind my own business. And then I told him I would work on minding my own business though, if he would work on being less insulting and stop name calling. It was a shame that no one taught their children that anymore, I said, because it would make my job a lot easier. I also told him it was a shame that two adults could not disagree without one of them making it ugly.
And then I unfriended my friend. Because seriously? Even if a friend of mine was completely out of line (which I was not) and rude (again, I was not) I would still have Jeremiah lay off or delete the post. But she just let her husband call me jealous and bitter and everything else.
He also said he wished he had been there to give that woman a piece of her mind. Like, in the woman's room? My thought to this (which I did not say) was, Can she (my friend) not stand up for herself? And why do you need to yell at a woman? Too afraid to stand up to a man who might beat the shit out of your wimpy ass? So you go after women instead? That right there is a tough guy. Oh, wait. I mean an asshole.
Sad.
So he can have my friend from high school who apparently does NOT think too much and does not speak up for herself and her friends.
P.S. Edited to add: All the while he was attacking me, he and his wife posted about an adult bible study they were hosting at their house that weekend. That's really all I have to say about that.
10.25.2012
Oh, No He Didn't.
Have you missed me?
I have been super busy, plus my doctor called and told me that tests indicate that I am in fact sick. Again. Sonofabitch. So MORE antibiotics. At this point, everyone at the pharmacy knows me by name. The elderly, the pharmacists - we are all good friends.
Anyway, I do not have time to write because I am busy, but I wanted to let you know that I was called bitter (due to the fact that I am childless, of course) by a friend's husband.
So I gave you the end of the story. Wait until you hear the beginning. I was shaking, I was so pissed.
Happy Day, Friends!
I have been super busy, plus my doctor called and told me that tests indicate that I am in fact sick. Again. Sonofabitch. So MORE antibiotics. At this point, everyone at the pharmacy knows me by name. The elderly, the pharmacists - we are all good friends.
Anyway, I do not have time to write because I am busy, but I wanted to let you know that I was called bitter (due to the fact that I am childless, of course) by a friend's husband.
So I gave you the end of the story. Wait until you hear the beginning. I was shaking, I was so pissed.
Happy Day, Friends!
8.02.2012
Don't Let It Go to Your Head, Jeremiah.
Time: End of May
Place: School
Why: Packing a shit ton of boxes
Emily: Packing/filling HUGE boxes with everything - packs of paper, textbooks, etc.
Jeremiah: What are you doing?
Emily: Um...I'm packing.
J: Did you ever think how heavy those boxes are going to be to move?
E: No. Because you are going to move them, Mr. Muscles.
J: I don't know if I can lift those boxes.
E: What? Why? Are you wimpy? Do you have saggy muscles?
J: Seriously? You're making fun of me?
E: If it's too much for you, I'll have students push the boxes on Monday.
J: USE SMALLER BOXES. They are easier to move.
E: NO. Because they get filled too quickly.
Jeremiah gives up, I gloat, filling my giant boxes with dictionaries, encyclopedias, and the like.
Time: Beginning of August
Place: School
Why: Unpacking a shit ton of boxes
Emily: Looks around at the huge boxes stacked in new classroom. No assistance to be had. Desperately tries to lift/move one to start unpacking new classroom. It's a negative. Almost has an accident straining so hard. Awe, crap.
Okay, so this ONE TIME, Jeremiah was right.
Place: School
Why: Packing a shit ton of boxes
Emily: Packing/filling HUGE boxes with everything - packs of paper, textbooks, etc.
Jeremiah: What are you doing?
Emily: Um...I'm packing.
J: Did you ever think how heavy those boxes are going to be to move?
E: No. Because you are going to move them, Mr. Muscles.
J: I don't know if I can lift those boxes.
E: What? Why? Are you wimpy? Do you have saggy muscles?
J: Seriously? You're making fun of me?
E: If it's too much for you, I'll have students push the boxes on Monday.
J: USE SMALLER BOXES. They are easier to move.
E: NO. Because they get filled too quickly.
Jeremiah gives up, I gloat, filling my giant boxes with dictionaries, encyclopedias, and the like.
Time: Beginning of August
Place: School
Why: Unpacking a shit ton of boxes
Emily: Looks around at the huge boxes stacked in new classroom. No assistance to be had. Desperately tries to lift/move one to start unpacking new classroom. It's a negative. Almost has an accident straining so hard. Awe, crap.
Okay, so this ONE TIME, Jeremiah was right.
6.22.2012
Why I Hate Dunkin Donuts
Dear Dunkin Donuts,
In my entire adult life, I have stopped by twice. Both times have been sucky. And you know what they say (well, everyone except George W. knows this saying): Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
And seriously. Shame on me.
First of all, it is important to note that Jeremiah and I are not doughnut people. We were heading out of town two years ago and wanted to get doughnuts, as that is one of the few times we treat ourselves to them - on a trip.
So we stopped and went in to your store/restaurant(?)/business/coffee shop (what the hell do you call Dunkin Donuts?). It was still early - maybe eight or so - and almost all of your wire baskets that are SUPPOSED to hold doughnuts are empty. Apparently, you ran out.
How do you run out of doughnuts? You are a doughnut shop. It is your entire business, besides the coffee. It'd be like a pizza place running out of dough. McDonald's running out of fries.
Fast forward to Wednesday. I took Jeremiah out to celebrate the start of birthday week. We passed a Dunkin Donuts and thought we would give you another shot.
We were the only ones in there. We stood back from the register so you would see that we were not ready to order.
Guy 1: Hey Guys! Welcome! Can I take your order?
Us: Still looking thanks.
Guy1: Well, let me know when you are ready! My name is Gus!
What when wrong here? Anyone? Okay, I'll go. You do NOT address your customers as "Hey Guys". You just don't. Especially when one of them is a GIRL. I learned the proper way to address customers when I worked with people and food, you should, too.
Thirty seconds later:
Girl: Hi! Welcome! Can I help you?
Us: Still looking, thanks.
Girl: Well, I will be helping you when you are ready.
Then she proceeds to stand in front of the doughnuts. And ask us several more times if we are ready. This prompted Jeremiah, who is VERY hard to annoy, to say, "No, because we are trying to see the doughnuts and you are standing directly in front of them."
Then another guy asks to take our order (seriously, Dunkin Donuts, are you working on commission? You have WAY to many people working.).
All within maybe one minute. We probably would have ordered faster if we hadn't been interrupted every ten seconds. And if you see that someone else has asked us, why the hell are you asking, too?
We place our order, I go to pay, and the girl taking our order has already forgotten what we ordered and couldn't fill it.
Seriously.
And then, we get our frozen drinks and there is no whippy cream on top. Jeremiah points out that they are supposed to have whippy on top, and the guy says...
Wait for it...
They ran out.
Again, you are a doughnut and COFFEE shop. You have this drink advertised all over your establishment. Everywhere are pictures of this new drink you want your customers to try. And then you can't freaking make it correctly because you ran out of the ingredients needed to make it?
Just so you know, Starbucks NEVER runs out of whippy. Neither does McDonald's for that matter.
Stupid Dunkin Donuts. We will never be coming back. Never.
Hugs & Kisses,
Emily
4.24.2012
I Freaking Apologized Once - That's a Big Deal for Me. Take What You Can Get, Idiot.
Sunday was the first day of swim season for me. Mostly because it was 103 degrees on Sunday, but also because normally we start swimming the first week of April and I simply could not wait a second longer.
As I was lounging around afterward, with my puppies flying around the yard, I tipped my face up so it could kiss the sun. As my face and the sun were engaged in some serious snogging, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.
Oh, yeah. It was my neighbor. Peeking over the fence. The new neighbor, that we love so much we can hardly stand it.
I waited until I caught his eye and then gave him my "What the hell do you want and why are you staring into my backyard?" smile. It's quite the smile. The following conversation truly did happen:
Neighbor: M'am?
Me: Holy shit. This idiot did NOT just call me m'am. I don't think m'ams use noodles and floaties in the pool. Yes, SIR?
N: Yer gettin' water in my yard.
Me: Oh, yeah. The filter needs a small replacement part. I'm sorry about that. We shut it off. It should not be leaking anymore.
N: There's water in my yard.
Me: Again, we turned it off. We'll get it fixed before we turn it back on. It was an accident.
N:It's right where my dog stands.
Me: Oh my gosh! I will be right over with paper towels and a blow dryer! We'll fix this mess! Oh, wait. It's THE GROUND. It is also the freaking DESERT. I think it will dry. As will your dog, unless it melted because it is pure barking evil.
Because seriously? At this point, what do I say? I have said everything possible regarding the situation.
I don't get being all butt hurt about this. I truly don't. Every day our neighbor waters their lawn with sprinklers and our fence/surrounding wall/ground gets wet. Not once in all these years did it occur to me to complain. We also had a neighbor with a pool and every time they back-washed the pool our yard flooded a bit. Never thought about complaining.
Maybe he is butt hurt because I left an anonymous note taped to his house about common courtesy regarding barking dogs all night long. I did it under the cover darkness and the cover of some shorts and a t-shirt, but no underwear. Which is weird, running around outside feeling naked but not actually being naked. It's the self-conscious girl's version of streaking.
Or maybe he is grumpy because in addition to my kind note, someone had called animal control and I saw that note taped to the door. So maybe he isn't feeling the love.
So neighbor? This is for you.
Dear Neighbor,
I wanted to take a moment to have a heart-to-heart with you. To be completely honest, Jeremiah and I had high hopes that you and your wife would be semi-normal people. Sadly, our hopes were dashed with the F*CK SCOTTSDALE t-shirt that you so proudly wore the day you moved in next door. If possible, Jeremiah's hopes were dashed even more upon sight of the cases of Bud Light. While we gave up on friendship, we thought perhaps we could all be decent neighbors. No such luck. Your barking/baying dog all hours of the day and night ruined that pipe dream. And then? Then you get weird and pissy about your "lawn". And it wasn't even concern for us (Once before the previous renter had asked if everything was okay with our pool after we backwashed. She wasn't sure if it was supposed to have water go everywhere.), SIR, it was about your precious beast of a dog. Who happened to be standing on wet ground. Oh, the horrors. In addition, please know that I am keeping tabs on you. I know that there are multiple people coming and going from your house. Sometimes there are kids, sometimes no. I do know that no one ever seems to leave the house to go to a job, which is interesting because you have a newer model vehicle. I have also noted that you keep your trash in the garage, which is fascinating to me. People don't do that here. The garages are way too small. What are you trying to hide?
Sincerely,
Anonymous Neighbor
P.S. I am watching you.
P.P.S. I realize that this may not intimidate you, as you have already been caught peeking over our fence and spying on ME.
P.P.S. When I came inside on Sunday, I cursed you and the day you were born.
As I was lounging around afterward, with my puppies flying around the yard, I tipped my face up so it could kiss the sun. As my face and the sun were engaged in some serious snogging, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.
Oh, yeah. It was my neighbor. Peeking over the fence. The new neighbor, that we love so much we can hardly stand it.
I waited until I caught his eye and then gave him my "What the hell do you want and why are you staring into my backyard?" smile. It's quite the smile. The following conversation truly did happen:
Neighbor: M'am?
Me: Holy shit. This idiot did NOT just call me m'am. I don't think m'ams use noodles and floaties in the pool. Yes, SIR?
N: Yer gettin' water in my yard.
Me: Oh, yeah. The filter needs a small replacement part. I'm sorry about that. We shut it off. It should not be leaking anymore.
N: There's water in my yard.
Me: Again, we turned it off. We'll get it fixed before we turn it back on. It was an accident.
N:It's right where my dog stands.
Me: Oh my gosh! I will be right over with paper towels and a blow dryer! We'll fix this mess! Oh, wait. It's THE GROUND. It is also the freaking DESERT. I think it will dry. As will your dog, unless it melted because it is pure barking evil.
Because seriously? At this point, what do I say? I have said everything possible regarding the situation.
I don't get being all butt hurt about this. I truly don't. Every day our neighbor waters their lawn with sprinklers and our fence/surrounding wall/ground gets wet. Not once in all these years did it occur to me to complain. We also had a neighbor with a pool and every time they back-washed the pool our yard flooded a bit. Never thought about complaining.
Maybe he is butt hurt because I left an anonymous note taped to his house about common courtesy regarding barking dogs all night long. I did it under the cover darkness and the cover of some shorts and a t-shirt, but no underwear. Which is weird, running around outside feeling naked but not actually being naked. It's the self-conscious girl's version of streaking.
Or maybe he is grumpy because in addition to my kind note, someone had called animal control and I saw that note taped to the door. So maybe he isn't feeling the love.
So neighbor? This is for you.
Dear Neighbor,
I wanted to take a moment to have a heart-to-heart with you. To be completely honest, Jeremiah and I had high hopes that you and your wife would be semi-normal people. Sadly, our hopes were dashed with the F*CK SCOTTSDALE t-shirt that you so proudly wore the day you moved in next door. If possible, Jeremiah's hopes were dashed even more upon sight of the cases of Bud Light. While we gave up on friendship, we thought perhaps we could all be decent neighbors. No such luck. Your barking/baying dog all hours of the day and night ruined that pipe dream. And then? Then you get weird and pissy about your "lawn". And it wasn't even concern for us (Once before the previous renter had asked if everything was okay with our pool after we backwashed. She wasn't sure if it was supposed to have water go everywhere.), SIR, it was about your precious beast of a dog. Who happened to be standing on wet ground. Oh, the horrors. In addition, please know that I am keeping tabs on you. I know that there are multiple people coming and going from your house. Sometimes there are kids, sometimes no. I do know that no one ever seems to leave the house to go to a job, which is interesting because you have a newer model vehicle. I have also noted that you keep your trash in the garage, which is fascinating to me. People don't do that here. The garages are way too small. What are you trying to hide?
Sincerely,
Anonymous Neighbor
P.S. I am watching you.
P.P.S. I realize that this may not intimidate you, as you have already been caught peeking over our fence and spying on ME.
P.P.S. When I came inside on Sunday, I cursed you and the day you were born.
3.05.2012
It's a Little Like Hell. Minus the Good Company. And No S'Mores. Because There are S'Mores in Hell, Right? Right??
Guess who has a hound dog? Our new neighbors!
It is SWELL.
OC Choppers shirt? Fine.
Cans of Miller Lite? Fine (although I am speaking solely for myself).
A dog that stays outside ALL DAY AND NIGHT (I am not even kidding. We were up until about one on Saturday, listening to the dog.) and BAYS NONSTOP? Unforgivable.
I dream of inviting myself into their rental house, standing there, listening to their dog and saying to them "Ohhhhhhhhh, so you CAN hear that in here. Okay. I thought maybe you couldn't."
But I am guessing that sarcasm might be wasted on them. And sarcasm is a terrible thing to waste on idiots.
You see, Friends, I don't get how someone can listen to that and not be bothered by it. Or not be bothered or worried that their neighbors might be annoyed. Because we have two of the naughtiest, most annoying little barkers that ever did exist. And we are extremely careful to keep outdoor annoyances at a minimum. Meaning, we don't leave our dogs outside unattended. Barking nonstop. Houses here are really crammed together. Your neighbors hear everything. It's something to think about. Or maybe not. Maybe that's just us.
Jeremiah and I are wondering if this is karmic retribution. He can't think of anything too horrible that he's done. I can think of some things, but I am pretty sure that inner-city teaching is the ultimate good karma coupon. If not, I may have to rethink some things.
And by the way...
Neighbors?
It.is.ON.
p.s. And while we're on the subject of neighbors & being a curmudgeon, I would also like to point out that our neighbors are apparently hearing impaired. I have never in my life heard people speak so loudly. The house is a single level and it isn't that large. There is NO NEED to yell. They either all have ear infections or they have all been watching the tv a bit too loudly. Let's bring it down a notch, mmmmkay?
p.p.s. And I totally have to tell you about how an old guy swore at me at Lowe's yesterday. As in, he dropped the f-bomb. And I really didn't deserve it. Promise.
It is SWELL.
OC Choppers shirt? Fine.
Cans of Miller Lite? Fine (although I am speaking solely for myself).
A dog that stays outside ALL DAY AND NIGHT (I am not even kidding. We were up until about one on Saturday, listening to the dog.) and BAYS NONSTOP? Unforgivable.
I dream of inviting myself into their rental house, standing there, listening to their dog and saying to them "Ohhhhhhhhh, so you CAN hear that in here. Okay. I thought maybe you couldn't."
But I am guessing that sarcasm might be wasted on them. And sarcasm is a terrible thing to waste on idiots.
You see, Friends, I don't get how someone can listen to that and not be bothered by it. Or not be bothered or worried that their neighbors might be annoyed. Because we have two of the naughtiest, most annoying little barkers that ever did exist. And we are extremely careful to keep outdoor annoyances at a minimum. Meaning, we don't leave our dogs outside unattended. Barking nonstop. Houses here are really crammed together. Your neighbors hear everything. It's something to think about. Or maybe not. Maybe that's just us.
Jeremiah and I are wondering if this is karmic retribution. He can't think of anything too horrible that he's done. I can think of some things, but I am pretty sure that inner-city teaching is the ultimate good karma coupon. If not, I may have to rethink some things.
And by the way...
Neighbors?
It.is.ON.
p.s. And while we're on the subject of neighbors & being a curmudgeon, I would also like to point out that our neighbors are apparently hearing impaired. I have never in my life heard people speak so loudly. The house is a single level and it isn't that large. There is NO NEED to yell. They either all have ear infections or they have all been watching the tv a bit too loudly. Let's bring it down a notch, mmmmkay?
p.p.s. And I totally have to tell you about how an old guy swore at me at Lowe's yesterday. As in, he dropped the f-bomb. And I really didn't deserve it. Promise.
2.16.2012
You Are Welcome, Arizona
As I was nearly killed by an idiot with a license (a license to KILL, if you will) while driving on my way home from work the other day, I began to think about all the other times that I have been (or nearly been, I guess) sacrificed by the horrible drivers here in the state of Arizona.
Friends? They are REALLY bad. As in, deadliest state in the country for driving. I read that in a book about Arizona. For my Arizona class that I took a few years ago. To include a statistic like that, it is almost like they are proud of how crappily they drive.
I would include the actual page number and name of the book, but it accidentally on purpose disappeared shortly after the class finished. First book I have ever been happy to lose.
Anyway, as many of you know, in the state of Arizona, NO SORT OF DRIVING CLASSES ARE REQUIRED in order to get a license. You just go in, prove your age, and get to drive. I might be missing a few little steps, but this is generally how it goes.
I could be all stereotypical and blame the driving just on people who grew up here, but guess what? Arizona is the Plymouth Rock of the Southwest. Those of us that have migrated here are like the pilgrims (Who we all know were not exactly the cream of the crop in Europe. More like the hookers and prisoners.) We seem to have forgotten our skills upon arriving in the new land, friends. We really have. Plus, let us not forget the joy that is Sun City (where I would not mind living but I am not old enough) where the cars are big, the drivers are slow, and the paths those big slow cars drive are deadly.
So as my gift to Arizona, my gift to all of us, really, I am going to offer weekly (or every other weekly. It depends on how much other charity/volunteer work I am doing besides this.) driving tips on here. Now if you know a driver in another state that might need a gentle (or not so gentle) reminder that they are an asshat and need to practice their driving skills, please refer them here. Or forward it to them. Whatevs. I just want to give back to my community, you know?
Stay tuned next week for our first lesson. Please note that you should NOT be driving while reading this lesson. This is more like, instruction in the classroom, practice what you learn later sorts of education.
Friends? They are REALLY bad. As in, deadliest state in the country for driving. I read that in a book about Arizona. For my Arizona class that I took a few years ago. To include a statistic like that, it is almost like they are proud of how crappily they drive.
I would include the actual page number and name of the book, but it accidentally on purpose disappeared shortly after the class finished. First book I have ever been happy to lose.
Anyway, as many of you know, in the state of Arizona, NO SORT OF DRIVING CLASSES ARE REQUIRED in order to get a license. You just go in, prove your age, and get to drive. I might be missing a few little steps, but this is generally how it goes.
I could be all stereotypical and blame the driving just on people who grew up here, but guess what? Arizona is the Plymouth Rock of the Southwest. Those of us that have migrated here are like the pilgrims (Who we all know were not exactly the cream of the crop in Europe. More like the hookers and prisoners.) We seem to have forgotten our skills upon arriving in the new land, friends. We really have. Plus, let us not forget the joy that is Sun City (where I would not mind living but I am not old enough) where the cars are big, the drivers are slow, and the paths those big slow cars drive are deadly.
So as my gift to Arizona, my gift to all of us, really, I am going to offer weekly (or every other weekly. It depends on how much other charity/volunteer work I am doing besides this.) driving tips on here. Now if you know a driver in another state that might need a gentle (or not so gentle) reminder that they are an asshat and need to practice their driving skills, please refer them here. Or forward it to them. Whatevs. I just want to give back to my community, you know?
Stay tuned next week for our first lesson. Please note that you should NOT be driving while reading this lesson. This is more like, instruction in the classroom, practice what you learn later sorts of education.
1.29.2012
Dear Neighbor,
Dear Neighbor,
I moved out of an apartment because I did not like listening to horrible music through a connecting wall. And yet, years later, here I am.
Listening to your shitty music. No wall connecting us. In fact, three walls separating us. So loud that I CAN HEAR THE WORDS, the booming bass, everything. For HOURS. On Sunday afternoon. A day of rest.
It is such a joy to have you next door. I especially love it when I am on vacation and spend my mornings exercising, listening to my music on the ipod and your music which I can hear OVER my ipod. Or when I try to enjoy the silence with a good book and some tea and I get to listen to your crap instead. That is awesome, too.
A couple questions I have for you:
1. Do you work?
2. Do you go to school?
3. Do your mom and dad know that you are an asshat?
I'm going to go out on a limb and answer "no" to all of these. Because you are always there. Because you are like a horrible Visa card. Everywhere I want to be.
Sincerely,
Your Ticked-Off Neighbor
p.s. We really like your dad, so he can stay, but we'd appreciate it if you would leave. Thanks.
p.p.s. I'm not against a blaring stereo for a song or two. Honestly, sometimes you just have to listen to something loudly. But now it is getting scary and my anger bubbles inside like the time I ate potato chips and burped sour cream and onion burps all night. This? This is seriously not good.
I moved out of an apartment because I did not like listening to horrible music through a connecting wall. And yet, years later, here I am.
Listening to your shitty music. No wall connecting us. In fact, three walls separating us. So loud that I CAN HEAR THE WORDS, the booming bass, everything. For HOURS. On Sunday afternoon. A day of rest.
It is such a joy to have you next door. I especially love it when I am on vacation and spend my mornings exercising, listening to my music on the ipod and your music which I can hear OVER my ipod. Or when I try to enjoy the silence with a good book and some tea and I get to listen to your crap instead. That is awesome, too.
A couple questions I have for you:
1. Do you work?
2. Do you go to school?
3. Do your mom and dad know that you are an asshat?
I'm going to go out on a limb and answer "no" to all of these. Because you are always there. Because you are like a horrible Visa card. Everywhere I want to be.
Sincerely,
Your Ticked-Off Neighbor
p.s. We really like your dad, so he can stay, but we'd appreciate it if you would leave. Thanks.
p.p.s. I'm not against a blaring stereo for a song or two. Honestly, sometimes you just have to listen to something loudly. But now it is getting scary and my anger bubbles inside like the time I ate potato chips and burped sour cream and onion burps all night. This? This is seriously not good.
1.25.2012
File This Under: Are You Freaking Kidding Me?
I can no longer check my blog before work because the word "peace" is blocked as a word categorized under "militant and extremist".
Bums me out for several reasons, but mostly because peace is seen as a militant and extremist word. I think we've met our idiot/overcensoringship (I might have made that up) quota for the day.
Bums me out for several reasons, but mostly because peace is seen as a militant and extremist word. I think we've met our idiot/overcensoringship (I might have made that up) quota for the day.
11.27.2011
Idiots on Bikes
Today Jeremiah convinced me that I really wanted to bike with him. I reluctantly went with, thinking about the last time that we biked and my TIRE (not the tube) got an odd hole and we had to walk home. With the bikes. Sadsies.
Anyway, I geared up and he geared up and we were ready to go.
I took the right side of the paved bike trail, as to 1) Not be in anyone's way 2) Leave the moving out of peoples' ways to Jeremiah.
We went along at a leisurely pace. By leisurely I mean that I went a good speed for me and Jeremiah braked a lot to slow down to my speed.
As we are leisurely biking along, with Jeremiah regularly checking back to make sure he didn't need to move out of someone's way, I felt/heard/saw someone fly by my RIGHT SIDE without announcing themselves. The paved path is wide enough for him to have gone by Jeremiah on the left. He could have also used biking etiquette and slowed down and then announced his intentions with an "On your left!".
But no.
This idiot went flying by ME. On the right. You aren't supposed to pass on the right. We all know that, don't we? By the way, this rule applies to cars, too. Just saying. I know that none of my blog readers are passing on the right types...
So I put myself in this guy's shoes.
He comes upon two bikers on the path. One is obviously a pro, with all the gear, fancy saddle, Camelbak, shoe clips for the pedals, etc. The other biker might qualify for the slowest, wobbliest biker race ever. Big cruiser with an "I heart my bike" bell. Tennis shoes. A t-shirt stating "I'm 21. R U?". That weird biker that got her leg caught in the pedal earlier that you missed? She's riding on the far right. You could pass the pro biker on the left and stay on the path. Or you could hop the trail, ride in the sand/gravel, and (I'm guessing purposefully) intimidate the beginner.Which would place you in the same category of hell as people who intimidate little children or tease puppies.
You choose to do the latter, and hop off the trail, fly by the beginner, scaring the shit out of her and prompting her to say in her best smart ass voice "ON YOUR RIGHT!"
And as that girl says that, you are hopping back on the path, proud at your show-offity-ness.
And you begin to wobble.
Then you wipe the hell out.
Falling on your left side, scraping the shit out of your bare little legs (those stretchy shorts don't protect knees, do they Mr. Butthole Biker?) and your arm/hands.
The two bikers that you were so eager to pass? They stopped (on the side of the trail. Let's not forget biking etiquette, please). They have nothing else to stare at except you - they can't pass you on the left (but you better believe they would have done a sing-song "On your left, asshole"), because you are perpendicularly blocking the path. With your bloody body and your bike. So they stare. They could ask if you are okay, but the man is being oddly silent (and he's normally so polite. He might be pissed that you scared his girlfriend or that you give bikers a bad name) and the girl (who is NEVER nice and will laugh at just about anybody that gets hurt) is trying not to laugh and is getting by with a wide smile.
So you get up and pedal off as fast as you can.
People?
Do I get credit for not laughing until he was out of earshot? And how about the fact that I didn't reenact the scene until he was out of view?
But I didn't ask if he was okay. I did stare. And I did say "On your right" which *might* have had something to do with the fall.
This is probably why I'm going to hell. For sure that idiot will be there too. If hell is anything like Dante wrote it, the man will be wiping out with people watching over and over again for eternity. Totally worth the flames.
p.s. If any of you reading in the Phoenix area have a husband/boyfriend/dad/son/uncle/grandpa come home today and he is all bloody and he tells you that it is because he was rescuing a whole heap of kittens from certain death he is lying his ass off.
Anyway, I geared up and he geared up and we were ready to go.
I took the right side of the paved bike trail, as to 1) Not be in anyone's way 2) Leave the moving out of peoples' ways to Jeremiah.
We went along at a leisurely pace. By leisurely I mean that I went a good speed for me and Jeremiah braked a lot to slow down to my speed.
As we are leisurely biking along, with Jeremiah regularly checking back to make sure he didn't need to move out of someone's way, I felt/heard/saw someone fly by my RIGHT SIDE without announcing themselves. The paved path is wide enough for him to have gone by Jeremiah on the left. He could have also used biking etiquette and slowed down and then announced his intentions with an "On your left!".
But no.
This idiot went flying by ME. On the right. You aren't supposed to pass on the right. We all know that, don't we? By the way, this rule applies to cars, too. Just saying. I know that none of my blog readers are passing on the right types...
So I put myself in this guy's shoes.
He comes upon two bikers on the path. One is obviously a pro, with all the gear, fancy saddle, Camelbak, shoe clips for the pedals, etc. The other biker might qualify for the slowest, wobbliest biker race ever. Big cruiser with an "I heart my bike" bell. Tennis shoes. A t-shirt stating "I'm 21. R U?". That weird biker that got her leg caught in the pedal earlier that you missed? She's riding on the far right. You could pass the pro biker on the left and stay on the path. Or you could hop the trail, ride in the sand/gravel, and (I'm guessing purposefully) intimidate the beginner.Which would place you in the same category of hell as people who intimidate little children or tease puppies.
You choose to do the latter, and hop off the trail, fly by the beginner, scaring the shit out of her and prompting her to say in her best smart ass voice "ON YOUR RIGHT!"
And as that girl says that, you are hopping back on the path, proud at your show-offity-ness.
And you begin to wobble.
Then you wipe the hell out.
Falling on your left side, scraping the shit out of your bare little legs (those stretchy shorts don't protect knees, do they Mr. Butthole Biker?) and your arm/hands.
The two bikers that you were so eager to pass? They stopped (on the side of the trail. Let's not forget biking etiquette, please). They have nothing else to stare at except you - they can't pass you on the left (but you better believe they would have done a sing-song "On your left, asshole"), because you are perpendicularly blocking the path. With your bloody body and your bike. So they stare. They could ask if you are okay, but the man is being oddly silent (and he's normally so polite. He might be pissed that you scared his girlfriend or that you give bikers a bad name) and the girl (who is NEVER nice and will laugh at just about anybody that gets hurt) is trying not to laugh and is getting by with a wide smile.
So you get up and pedal off as fast as you can.
People?
Do I get credit for not laughing until he was out of earshot? And how about the fact that I didn't reenact the scene until he was out of view?
But I didn't ask if he was okay. I did stare. And I did say "On your right" which *might* have had something to do with the fall.
This is probably why I'm going to hell. For sure that idiot will be there too. If hell is anything like Dante wrote it, the man will be wiping out with people watching over and over again for eternity. Totally worth the flames.
p.s. If any of you reading in the Phoenix area have a husband/boyfriend/dad/son/uncle/grandpa come home today and he is all bloody and he tells you that it is because he was rescuing a whole heap of kittens from certain death he is lying his ass off.
11.09.2011
You're Killing Me, Smalls.
I'm shopping for a new car. I didn't tell you.
DO NOT MISS THIS SALE!
-
Call Now
They also have signs that say "Hundreds of Nissan Versa's on Sale Today!" that they put up on a regular basis. I die a little every.single.time I drive by it.
I'm losing faith in humanity. I know I makes mistackes sometymes, butt R U kiddding me hear? Freaking run it by someone with some skills. Jeremiah told them they should hire me. I'd gladly whoop their asses into shape.
Anyone else irked by something that you see all the time? Or do the wrong groups of people seem to be multiplying?
Or did I? I don't really know.
If I didn't, I'm sorry. Plan on some super stories about some true idiots. I'm sure that there are some fantastic, smart, and honest car salesmen.
I haven't met them. I'm thinking I could put Atticus in his business suit:
And you might get a more intelligent, honest, and kind (if you like licks) salesman. He might get in some trouble for sexual harassment, but honestly? Not his fault.
Anyway, I just this very today got this email from Nissan:
I haven't met them. I'm thinking I could put Atticus in his business suit:
 |
| Choo know the ladies love me. |
Anyway, I just this very today got this email from Nissan:
Emily,
Don't miss the biggest sales event of the year! Prime financing available for less than perfect credit!
Don't miss the biggest sales event of the year! Prime financing available for less than perfect credit!
- No payment for 90 days!
- 0.0%APR available!
- 3.9%APR for less than perfect credit!
- Arizona's largest selection of new Nissan's!
- Easy no haggle best pricing in place!
- Sale absolutley ends 05/31/11!
- Additonal rebates on most models!
DO NOT MISS THIS SALE!
-
Call Now
Hey, Idiots. I think I already missed the sale. Seeing as how it is NOVEMBER. Also? Learn how to spell.
And earlier in the month I got this one, again from Nissan. Y'all are DUMB, Nissan.
Caleb from ***** Nissan, Just want to fallow up and see if you would like to come back in and drive the rogue again and let us make you an offer you can reffuse. My managment team is extreamly motivated to get rid of some of our rogues especially sence are 2012 are coming in by the truck load. so if your still intrested in the rogue now is the time to get the deal of a lifetime. hope to hear from you soon have a great day.
I sent an email back to Caleb and I was like, "Hahahahahahahaha! Try spell check, "sence" you can't spell. It's awesome and FREE!"
And this? This is from the big kahuna himself. Don't you think someone checks this garbage before they send it out? I sent him an email saying that I'd spell check things for him for a small fee, that way he wouldn't send out mass-emails with mistakes in it. I didn't get a reply.
I would like to invite you back to personally sit down with you and show you not only to see how easy it is to do business here but, to also show you how we can save you some money.
They also have signs that say "Hundreds of Nissan Versa's on Sale Today!" that they put up on a regular basis. I die a little every.single.time I drive by it.
I'm losing faith in humanity. I know I makes mistackes sometymes, butt R U kiddding me hear? Freaking run it by someone with some skills. Jeremiah told them they should hire me. I'd gladly whoop their asses into shape.
Anyone else irked by something that you see all the time? Or do the wrong groups of people seem to be multiplying?
10.27.2011
Public Speaking Lesson #1
Try not to be an ass by starting your speech with an insult to 3/4 of your audience. Calling (or insinuating that) your audience is dumb is not okay.
My Thursday gift to you. You're welcome.
Edited to add: I was not the one speaking in this particular situation. I try to only make 1/2 of my audience feel like idiots. That way I can still reach 50% of them. Half isn't too bad.
My Thursday gift to you. You're welcome.
Edited to add: I was not the one speaking in this particular situation. I try to only make 1/2 of my audience feel like idiots. That way I can still reach 50% of them. Half isn't too bad.
6.05.2011
A is for Ants or, Why I Might Be Walking With A Limp...
We had a special field day for our kiddos. It was Wednesday. And there was this ant...
Bastard found me.
He bit me.
The thing is, I know INSTANTLY when I get a bite. The ant might be small but the burning and stinging is instantly intense. It stinks knowing that for the next week or so walking will be a beast. It angers me that one little ant can bring me down.
Because I swell up. And as they are usually on my leg or foot, it makes walking slightly difficult. An inquiring and caring (yet uneducated in my health issues) person asked why I didn't just take an anti-histamine. Well, holy crap. Why didn't I think of that?
Oh.
Because I'm already on THREE daily.
While it might be slightly hard to see, I've included a picture showing the swelling. Those orange/red arrows show the areas effected. Picture an ankle, any ankle at all, in place of the lump that is currently visible. See the slight concave appearance near the top right arrow? That's where my skin normally is. You know, when it isn't all stretchy and swollen. I've even indicated the scene of the bite. I'm sparing you from a close-up which shows the actual pus-filled bump. You're welcome.
That is why I've been icing and elevating. It helps. It's the ONLY thing that helps besides going to get a steroid injection in the butt. Which, a girl can only get so many of those before she starts looking...not like a girl anymore.
p.s. Today Jeremiah and I were floating in the pool when I hear a kid at the house behind us (yes, the trouble house) exclaim, "Hey! I think there's a pool back there!" Meaning, OUR house. Next thing I hear, "Oh, there's people in the pool." All disappointed. As if he were going to get in if we weren't already in it. I thought he was just peeking over the fence. Oh.No. He had climbed the tree and was sitting there staring at us. About four yards away. Talking like we weren't there. Staring. I know it's a kid, but what is wrong with these people?
Bastard found me.
He bit me.
The thing is, I know INSTANTLY when I get a bite. The ant might be small but the burning and stinging is instantly intense. It stinks knowing that for the next week or so walking will be a beast. It angers me that one little ant can bring me down.
Because I swell up. And as they are usually on my leg or foot, it makes walking slightly difficult. An inquiring and caring (yet uneducated in my health issues) person asked why I didn't just take an anti-histamine. Well, holy crap. Why didn't I think of that?
Oh.
Because I'm already on THREE daily.
While it might be slightly hard to see, I've included a picture showing the swelling. Those orange/red arrows show the areas effected. Picture an ankle, any ankle at all, in place of the lump that is currently visible. See the slight concave appearance near the top right arrow? That's where my skin normally is. You know, when it isn't all stretchy and swollen. I've even indicated the scene of the bite. I'm sparing you from a close-up which shows the actual pus-filled bump. You're welcome.
p.s. Today Jeremiah and I were floating in the pool when I hear a kid at the house behind us (yes, the trouble house) exclaim, "Hey! I think there's a pool back there!" Meaning, OUR house. Next thing I hear, "Oh, there's people in the pool." All disappointed. As if he were going to get in if we weren't already in it. I thought he was just peeking over the fence. Oh.No. He had climbed the tree and was sitting there staring at us. About four yards away. Talking like we weren't there. Staring. I know it's a kid, but what is wrong with these people?
4.03.2011
Why I Don't Like the Neighbors or, Why the Police Were at Our House at 1:30 am
Friday was our anniversary. Five years. That's some crazy shiznit, no?
And let me warn you here, there is going to be swears in this here post, so if your delicate self isn't a fan, you may want to stop reading. I'm just trying to be nice.
Anyway, I was sick on Friday. We had a special meal, special drinks, special dessert, and Jeremiah surprised me with some gorg. lilies. We're both poor, so we both agreed simple celebrations this year.
At around eleven, a party at the house behind us really started picking up. And I could swear that I heard someone say, "I dare you to jump in the pool." which is ODD, because the neighbors behind us don't have a pool. Interestingly enough, WE DO. So I kicked Jeremiah and he got up, looked around, and proclaimed that all was good.
Except it wasn't. Things got loud. Then really quiet. Then super loud. And then, no joke, I heard someone trying to get in our house through the sliding door. I could hear the lock catch as they repeatedly tried to pull the heavy slider open. It's directly below the balcony and our bedroom, so it was loud. I kicked Jeremiah (again) and told him that there were people in our backyard. He's up faster than you can say "Why the face?!". He races downstairs with only his cell and boxers and goes to the slider. At this point, I hear voices and feet on the rocks outside our bedroom side window. I look down, and there are people hopping the fence. I pound on the window and yell at them to get the FACE (I didn't say face) out of my yard and then yell to Jeremiah that they are out front. He's on the phone with 911 already, and the people are running away from him (gotta love the thought of him standing there all tattoo covered and boxer-clad scaring the shit out of some idiots).
And at this point you are probably wondering, "Emily, are you making this shit up?" And the answer is, no, my friends, I am not.
The 911 dispatch person explains that someone had called the police on the party and they were on the scene. The kids (high schoolers) had been trying to escape. So they had hopped the five foot brick wall into our yard and tried to get into our house. We said we would like to file a report or complaint or whatever. We wait for the police to come. For an hour and a half.
As we wait, I bet Jeremiah that the police will say, "Kids will be kids" and nothing will be done.
Guess what? Nothing was done. Apparently there were a TON of kids there and they didn't have the time to cite anyone for underage drinking or supplying alcohol to minors or trespassing, or anything else.
In fact, in the lovely state of Arizona, it is completely legal for people to flee a scene using YOUR property as long as they are just trying to get to the other side. S'okay.
And it is okay to try and get into someone's house as long as you don't use force. Even though the intent to get in was there, they didn't break anything and they weren't going to do anything to us, they were just "in self-preservation mode".
Are you shitting me?
As a teen I NEVER tried to get into anyone's house that I didn't know. And how the hell are kids supposed to grow up to become responsible adults if they are never even held responsible for their actions? At some point, it's not "kids will be kids" anymore.
The kid that had the party? The police let the parents deal with it. Nothing filed, nothing done at all. I just don't get it.
So I'm pissed and not seeing the point of being a property owner if my property is free for everyone to use at their leisure, including the occasional tug on the door...
And let me warn you here, there is going to be swears in this here post, so if your delicate self isn't a fan, you may want to stop reading. I'm just trying to be nice.
Anyway, I was sick on Friday. We had a special meal, special drinks, special dessert, and Jeremiah surprised me with some gorg. lilies. We're both poor, so we both agreed simple celebrations this year.
At around eleven, a party at the house behind us really started picking up. And I could swear that I heard someone say, "I dare you to jump in the pool." which is ODD, because the neighbors behind us don't have a pool. Interestingly enough, WE DO. So I kicked Jeremiah and he got up, looked around, and proclaimed that all was good.
Except it wasn't. Things got loud. Then really quiet. Then super loud. And then, no joke, I heard someone trying to get in our house through the sliding door. I could hear the lock catch as they repeatedly tried to pull the heavy slider open. It's directly below the balcony and our bedroom, so it was loud. I kicked Jeremiah (again) and told him that there were people in our backyard. He's up faster than you can say "Why the face?!". He races downstairs with only his cell and boxers and goes to the slider. At this point, I hear voices and feet on the rocks outside our bedroom side window. I look down, and there are people hopping the fence. I pound on the window and yell at them to get the FACE (I didn't say face) out of my yard and then yell to Jeremiah that they are out front. He's on the phone with 911 already, and the people are running away from him (gotta love the thought of him standing there all tattoo covered and boxer-clad scaring the shit out of some idiots).
And at this point you are probably wondering, "Emily, are you making this shit up?" And the answer is, no, my friends, I am not.
The 911 dispatch person explains that someone had called the police on the party and they were on the scene. The kids (high schoolers) had been trying to escape. So they had hopped the five foot brick wall into our yard and tried to get into our house. We said we would like to file a report or complaint or whatever. We wait for the police to come. For an hour and a half.
As we wait, I bet Jeremiah that the police will say, "Kids will be kids" and nothing will be done.
Guess what? Nothing was done. Apparently there were a TON of kids there and they didn't have the time to cite anyone for underage drinking or supplying alcohol to minors or trespassing, or anything else.
In fact, in the lovely state of Arizona, it is completely legal for people to flee a scene using YOUR property as long as they are just trying to get to the other side. S'okay.
And it is okay to try and get into someone's house as long as you don't use force. Even though the intent to get in was there, they didn't break anything and they weren't going to do anything to us, they were just "in self-preservation mode".
Are you shitting me?
As a teen I NEVER tried to get into anyone's house that I didn't know. And how the hell are kids supposed to grow up to become responsible adults if they are never even held responsible for their actions? At some point, it's not "kids will be kids" anymore.
The kid that had the party? The police let the parents deal with it. Nothing filed, nothing done at all. I just don't get it.
So I'm pissed and not seeing the point of being a property owner if my property is free for everyone to use at their leisure, including the occasional tug on the door...
3.31.2011
Roads are for Sissies
As I was waiting to pull into the school parking lot today, a man in his driveway started to back into me. He didn't want to wait for anyone. But I couldn't pull any farther forward, so he had to wait.
Oh, just kidding.
He put his car in drive and drove through his driveway, his lawn, and HIS NEIGHBOR'S LAWN to get to the road where it was less congested.
Um...
Update: I just spoke with someone else at the school that witnessed the same man driving his SUV with a TRAILER ATTACHED the same way - through other people's lawns. And then, because the road becomes sort of one way, he ran through the cone barricade set up by the school so he could go the way he wanted to go.
Oh, just kidding.
He put his car in drive and drove through his driveway, his lawn, and HIS NEIGHBOR'S LAWN to get to the road where it was less congested.
Um...
Update: I just spoke with someone else at the school that witnessed the same man driving his SUV with a TRAILER ATTACHED the same way - through other people's lawns. And then, because the road becomes sort of one way, he ran through the cone barricade set up by the school so he could go the way he wanted to go.
11.05.2010
Um, Really?
Setting: At the post office
Post Lady: You'd like this sent to Minnesota?
Emily:No, I'd like it sent to Michigan.
Post Lady: Well, you put MI.
Emily (in a slightly teacher-ish voice): Yes, that means Michigan, not Minnesota.
Post Lady: Oh, I saw MI and thought Minnesota.
Jeremiah (in a stage whisper): Seems to me that if you're working at the post office you should know your state abbreviations.
Seriously. Jeremiah has a good point. That woman's WHOLE job consists of mailing packages with these abbreviations. I'd think it'd be a requirement before getting the job: Thou shalt know state abbreviations.
Every day, I am more and more astounded by the stupidity that exists in the world around me. I am doing the best I can to fight it at an early age, but I am only one person.
Anyone else have stories where they were left just shaking their head? Please share.
Post Lady: You'd like this sent to Minnesota?
Emily:No, I'd like it sent to Michigan.
Post Lady: Well, you put MI.
Emily (in a slightly teacher-ish voice): Yes, that means Michigan, not Minnesota.
Post Lady: Oh, I saw MI and thought Minnesota.
Jeremiah (in a stage whisper): Seems to me that if you're working at the post office you should know your state abbreviations.
Seriously. Jeremiah has a good point. That woman's WHOLE job consists of mailing packages with these abbreviations. I'd think it'd be a requirement before getting the job: Thou shalt know state abbreviations.
Every day, I am more and more astounded by the stupidity that exists in the world around me. I am doing the best I can to fight it at an early age, but I am only one person.
Anyone else have stories where they were left just shaking their head? Please share.
9.28.2010
Why I Shouldn't Have Neighbors
This morning at about 5:15 I could hear someone using a chain saw. I could hear it over the noise of my exercising and the noise of my music. The dogs and I were deeply disturbed.
When I was finished, I see that my neighbor has hired landscapers to remove the one tree (Michiganders, you would call it a shrub, it was very small) in their front yard. I feel as though this is not okay. Chainsaws at 5? No.
In addition, the idiots parked their humongous truck (Hello? Overcompensating?) and trailer in FRONT OF MY DRIVEWAY. I was completely locked in. Plus, all of their gadgets and debris and garbage cans? Oh, yeah, they just put them in my driveway. Why the hell didn't they park in front of my neighbor's driveway?
So I went outside in my exercise clothes and slippers and stared at them. One of the guys looked up and said, "Oh, sorry." and started laughing.
That asshole laughed. At me. Until I got out my phone and took a picture of all his stuff in my driveway and his truck locking me in. And then watching me as I called the non-emergency police line. Then he moved his truck. And his crap.
By the way, apparently landscapers can make all the noise they want as early as 5. What.The.Hell? This is due to the fact that it gets so hot. Because it would be too hot at six? Seriously, it is triple digit temps. The difference in temp between five and six in the morning is like, one degree.
So I'm going to tell my neighbor that I just LOVE the work they did, get their number, and complain.
Don't park in front of my driveway. Don't put crap in my driveway. And don't piss me off at five in the morning.
And this is why I shouldn't have neighbors.
When I was finished, I see that my neighbor has hired landscapers to remove the one tree (Michiganders, you would call it a shrub, it was very small) in their front yard. I feel as though this is not okay. Chainsaws at 5? No.
In addition, the idiots parked their humongous truck (Hello? Overcompensating?) and trailer in FRONT OF MY DRIVEWAY. I was completely locked in. Plus, all of their gadgets and debris and garbage cans? Oh, yeah, they just put them in my driveway. Why the hell didn't they park in front of my neighbor's driveway?
So I went outside in my exercise clothes and slippers and stared at them. One of the guys looked up and said, "Oh, sorry." and started laughing.
That asshole laughed. At me. Until I got out my phone and took a picture of all his stuff in my driveway and his truck locking me in. And then watching me as I called the non-emergency police line. Then he moved his truck. And his crap.
By the way, apparently landscapers can make all the noise they want as early as 5. What.The.Hell? This is due to the fact that it gets so hot. Because it would be too hot at six? Seriously, it is triple digit temps. The difference in temp between five and six in the morning is like, one degree.
So I'm going to tell my neighbor that I just LOVE the work they did, get their number, and complain.
Don't park in front of my driveway. Don't put crap in my driveway. And don't piss me off at five in the morning.
And this is why I shouldn't have neighbors.
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