Kelly Clarkson!

Yesterday after work I went to one of my specialists. He is the one that diagnosed me with Snuffy's Disease, even though he is not a podiatrist. I am pretty sure I am his dose of entertainment for the day (Unless it is an emergency flare visit, in which case there is endless crying and sweating. That might not be his favorite.).

Anyway, I have been doing okay with my disease. My main focus right now is the Snuffy's Disease and my three week long sinus infection (I went to the doctor on Saturday. It got pretty bad, Friends.). He asked about S.D. and I informed him that I was still having problems. He suggested the injection again, which I was hesitant about because I don't love the idea of masking the pain. He said that it would bring down the inflammation and allow me to use the foot again. It might even give the foot time to heal.

After a lot of nervous wiggling and clapping (Yes, clapping. I think I was trying to encourage myself.) I decided to go for it.

They wheeled the most ginormous machine into the room and at that point I realized that it was probably too late to turn back and that also this might be something that I regret. It was actually just the ultra-sound machine and he even pointed out my tendons and foot parts. So far, so good.

The next step was a quick cleaning because I had been in sandals all day and feet get filthy in Phoenix. I am so serious. First thing I do when I get home? I wash my feet. Anyway, then I made him promise that he would tell me when he was going to shoot me. He promised. It went like this:


E: Promise me?
Dr: I promise. Right now I am going to put some cold stuff on it.
E: Okay. Wow, yeah, that's chill-HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! The bastard shot me. There was a lot of clapping and weird mouth noises and even some swearing until he was done - which was about a minute. A minute of getting a shot in my freaking heel. Normally I would wiggle a lot, but they were holding down BOTH of my feet.
E: You are a sneaky liar!
Dr: What?
E: You PROMISED me!
Dr: Oh. Did I forget to mention that I was going to stick you? I thought I said it. Huh.
E: You are a sneaky, evil man.

I should still be mad at him, but he ever so gently attached a band-aid to my foot and helped me down from the table because walking at that point had become treacherous.

If you do not mind a lot of swearing - and I mean A LOT of swearing - this is what my visit was like. Except I do not need my chest waxed and I am not a man. The general overall flip out? Practically the same. Except some different swears.

Again - not an appropriate video for watching in a public place or around children. Don't pull this out in church, friends.

In fact, I will just provide the link:
I like your sweater. Does that come in a v-neck?

If you are interested, you can revisit another visit to Dr. Lying Sneaky Pants HERE.

p.s. Also I can't really walk today. I seriously need a walker. Or a cane. Because I am really limping. I look like I am trying to be a gangsta.
p.p.s. In school-related news, do you know how many paper towels it takes to clean up an entire carton of milk when it falls into a desk? I do. That was a great start to the morning. 

I Will NOT Be the Grinch.

I have not been blogging as much.

We have done stuff around the house.

Walls are painted. New lamps. Art on walls.

Here's the deal:
Both of my computers are completely full. Meaning, there is no memory space for me to upload pictures. I delete stuff, but somehow still no room. This makes it frustrating as I like to share the going-ons here.

So I am feeling grinchy because I just took pictures of our holiday decor. Quick and easy. Then I tried to load them onto my computer. For AN HOUR. I got rid of over 100 pictures. Plenty of space to upload twenty or so shots.

Just kidding.

So after much stress, here are some tree pictures. Which started out as fun, but now I am ticked.

Deep breath.

I am going to do what I usually do. Highlight some new favorites. And sometimes some old favorites.

 The theme on the small tree this year was blues, greens, pinks, and purples.

Crate and Barrel, Glass, Love!

Handmade by a friend of my mom.

Reminded me of Jeremiah. Crate and Barrel.

Crate and Barrel. Glass.

 While I like the star on my mantel, I am not loving the mantel decor itself. I think I need to move some things that are on the right. I've got some ideas.

Any extra ornaments always find a place in a container.

The bottom of this lamp from Salvation Army is open, so I slipped some ornaments in there, too.

Have you met the pig? I found him over a year ago. I love him. We don't eat pig or cow here, and I take an odd delight at having this little porker hanging around the kitchen. I have a bird that is the same style, but he has yet to find a home on the walls. 

 The front tree has the same theme as last year - metals. Golds, bronzes, silvers, whites, and ivories.

The little birdhouse is new. Clearance from Target.

I actually bought this at Jo-Ann's. Not on clearance, just liked it.

World Market, this year. He was just too cute to pass up.

Glass ball from Crate and Barrel.

Maddie has done her best to destroy Christmas this year. She only goes after the big tree, which is awesome, because most of the breakable ornaments hang on this beautiful beast. So far she has only destroyed the one bird, which was felt, not at all breakable. Odd. The tree looked better the first few days, before she began climbing it. There will be some rebending of branches come January.

I guess that's about it. Friends, I hope that you all have trees that are withstanding children and pets.

Wake Up in the Morning Feeling Like P Diddy.

No. No I don't, actually.

I imagine that his mornings are glorious. 

I wake up feeling like crap. I can't figure out if it is allergies, sinusitis, or a sinus infection.

Every single morning I am hoarse and it feels like someone has shellacked my throat in snot. I know it sounds gross, but believe me, living it is even grosser. I am an over-sharer, but I will NOT tell you what happens when I start coughing (I just threw up in my mouth a little while thinking about it.).

Crappy as I feel, there have been some great soundbytes happening this week, and I will be damned if I am going to be negative right now.

So please enjoy these conversations that have happened over the course of the week. Warning - some of them are not appropriate. They are the opposite. They are inappropriate. And childish. If you aren't ready for this jelly, you may want to skip this one.

J: What did you have for dinner?
E: A delicious breast of chicken with a sweet sauce and some grilled pineapple.
J: What did your friend have?
E: Tuna tacos...ohmygosh. Tuna tacos. How hilarious. They did not call them that at the restaurant. They called them Ahi tacos. With a special areola sauce.
J: Excuse me?
E: Aioli sauce. But we had a slip of the tongue and it became areola sauce...or nipple sauce. Tuna tacos and nipple sauce! Hold on I need to text her and let her know that her dinner tonight was hilarious.
J: And you are how old?
E: Looking up while texting - Apparently I am twelve. And a boy.

E: I told Jeremiah that you had tuna tacos with nipple sauce! I almost wet my pants.
Friend: How did we not catch that?
E: I continue to giggle as I think about how your dinner had all different lady bits in it.
F: I am nothing if not comprehensive in my dining.

Coworker: I kind of want to touch you. That shirt is fabulous.
E: You can touch me. I have been touching myself all day.

E: She shows symptoms of being a meth user.
C: I agree. It's like, "Hey, I've seen those teeth before!"

C: Venting to another coworker: Do you know how much time Emily and I spend together? A lot. Ten to twelve hours a day. I see her more than Jeremiah does. We're basically married.
E: It's true. I came home the other day and Jeremiah was like, "You look different..." He sees me so little that he notices all these little changes that he never noticed when he saw me all the time.
C: I think we are the job.
E: Thinking about this. Well, wait a minute. I feel a bit ripped off, though. I did not get a ring or cake or honeymoon out of either of these relationships. And we all know those are the three main reasons to get married...plus presents and a dress.

J: I am afraid I have some bad news...
E: WHAT?
J: Well, I caught Maddie in the act. She killed one of your ornaments.
E: Which ornament?
J: I don't really know. So far I have found a wing, a beak, and some stuffing. So it appears to be from the bird family.
E: Where?
J: It's everywhere. The carnage is everywhere.
E: But you can't tell which bird it is?
J: No. I am sorry. We may have to pull dental records. 

Today's text to Jeremiah:
E: Please don't forget to pick up our prescriptions. (At 12:01)
E: Oh, and a pizza. (12:02)
E: Also a pony. (12:03)

Have a great weekend, Friends! If you have any suggestions that may help minimize my snot, please let me know.

Determined.

Yesterday, mid-way through my morning, I realized that I dreamed that I was having a very determined conversation with Jeremiah. Then I realized (with a certain amount of dread) that it might not have been a dream. You all know how much I like to talk in my sleep and have night terrors.

So I called Jeremiah.

E: By chance was I talking in my sleep last night?
J: Mmmm...Holy crap! Yes!
E: And my topic of conversation was...?
J: I have no clue. I was like, "WTF?!" (Except he actually said it.) You did not make any sense at all. And you would not stop talking.
E: Yeah, I woke up feeling so determined. Like I had tried to accomplish something fantastic in my sleep.
J: Well, you did not. I told you that you were not awake. Over and over again. Eventually you gave up.
E: I'm a quitter. Damn it.


So that made me laugh for awhile. Because my sleep is disrupted by Jeremiah's snoring on a regular basis. I am happy to return the interrupted sleep favor.


Also, you know what? I was getting into my car (I shall not be telling you where I was, but I certainly was not at work. No sir.) and this girl across the street was yelling at her son, who was maybe two. He was toddling his way towards the road and she was yelling, "Get your ass back here!" and when she caught him she asked him "What the hell were you thinking?".

First of all, please know that when I told you all to talk to your children, this is not the type of conversation to which I was referring.

Secondly, honey? Read a parenting book. That kid is not thinking ahead about dangers of the street. Plus, it will tell you not to swear at your toddler. Any parenting book. Give it a try.

Craptacular Day.

Let me tell you why today is sort of sucky.

1. My neighbor decided last night to leave his dog out. Barking nonstop. At about three. I am pretty sure I saw Jeremiah cry and throw a mini-tantrum as he called animal control. The situation was pretty bad. It lasted about an hour. Houses here are so close together that for the first few minutes of barking hell I actually thought the dog was IN THE BEDROOM. I was all, "What the effff? Did we get a new dog?"

2. I keep getting all these emails. And they are HILARIOUSLY degrading and condescending and passive aggressive. Hilarious in the sense that if I did not laugh, I would cry. I really wish I could share them with you all, because you seem like the type of people that could appreciate emails like that. But you know, ethics. Maybe I will forward them to myself so in the future I can look back and say, "Wow. That sucked."

3. I pulled a butt muscle while working out last night and it is slightly awkward walking around, rubbing my butt. Typically at work, other people are touching my butt. Naughty teachers.

4. I can't stop thinking of the emails. Maybe I just tell you about one of the situations? It makes me giggle just thinking about it. I'll get back to you.

5. I have been having horrible dreams. Three times within the last month I have dreamed of tornadoes. It is crazy, but my main concern is for the safety of my dogs and cats. Jeremiah can apparently take care of himself. Anyone who can analyze dreams for me, go right ahead. I am thinking the tornado signifies the disarray and chaos in my life right now. I also had a nightmare about my brother and ended up texting him and schooling him and then I was like, "Shit. That was a mom thing to do." Not very little sister-y of me.

6. I don't have a sixth thing, but I don't like odd numbers.

Thank You

This weekend when Jeremiah and I were at our local park, a huge amount of Veterans were gearing up for a 5k. There were men, women, young, and old. It was great to see them celebrated.

I am going to be honest. I don't think I ever thanked either of my grandpas for their service. And that makes me feel bad. They were in my thoughts as I watched the older gentlemen walk around the park.

In addition, I would like to send a belated thank you to Jeremiah's dad (thank you, Frank) and anyone else who has served our country.

I appreciate it.

Hello! My Name is Childless.

 This weekend I was reading on Facebook a friend whose children had been reprimanded by a stranger in public. I don't know the details, so I am not really writing about the incident. What I am writing about is something that I have not been able to let go of since I read the responses to her post yesterday.

Someone (Okay. It was her husband. I was not going to mention it, but it got pretty ugly and at this point I am so disappointed in everything that played out that I do not give poo.) had responded that the reprimander, an older woman, was "a bitter, old, childless woman". Anger coursed through me and it would not stop. Has not stop.

To use childless as an insult?

To suggest that anyone without children must be bitter? My life is less fulfilling than someone who has children? I don't even understand this.

Not every woman has to have children to feel complete. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

Not every woman should be a parent. There are plenty of examples of these women in the news. After my accidental "trip" on prescription meds, I doubt my own parenting abilities. I fear I am a little nutty.

In addition, what about the women who have had children and lost them? The women who want to have (or wanted to have) children but could not? To them I imagine that being called childless is a slap in the face. The cruelest of comments.

I responded politely but with an obvious dislike of using the word childless as an insult. The response? That I think too much and that obviously any woman that would reprimand children that were not hers in public could NOT have children of her own (I mean, OBVIOUSLY).

Because all you parents raise your children in the same way? Because parents take an oath to never speak up in public when another person's children misbehave? Was there a secret handshake involved? Man, I am NOT pissed about being childless, but I AM pissed that I missed the secret handshake. I LOVE secret handshakes.

 I responded just as politely as I had the first time but this time suggested that perhaps the woman had indeed raised children of her own, but simply did not agree with the parenting style that she was witnessing. Was she in the right? Maybe not. But again? You are still being insulting. And to assume that everyone thinks you are the most awesome parent and that you never make mistakes and everyone wants to parent just.like.you?

Is just wrong.

Regardless of how you look at it - calling someone bitter and childless is defensive and insulting. It's a shame that some of us can't just say "Whoops. I did not mean to offend anyone."

Instead the response back was this: Is calling someone dogless if they don't have a dog insulting?

No, and neither is just saying that someone without child is childless. It's an insult when you pair it with all those other words.

At this point, he decided that I was a bitter woman (I would like to point out that if Jeremiah EVER called any of my friends names or made insulting remarks it would get ugly. Not that he ever would.) and I was just jealous. And that I was what was wrong with the entire world - people that made everyone else walk on eggshells. It was a shame that this value of respecting other people's privacy was not taught anymore. I should not read her posts any more and next time her name pops up on my screen, I should just keep scrolling and mind my own business.

I responded by saying that if you post something on Facebook, you lose your right to tell me to mind my own business. And then I told him I would work on minding my own business though, if he would work on being less insulting and stop name calling. It was a shame that no one taught their children that anymore, I said, because it would make my job a lot easier. I also told him it was a shame that two adults could not disagree without one of them making it ugly.

And then I unfriended my friend. Because seriously? Even if a friend of mine was completely out of line (which I was not) and rude (again, I was not) I would still have Jeremiah lay off or delete the post. But she just let her husband call me jealous and bitter and everything else.

He also said he wished he had been there to give that woman a piece of her mind. Like, in the woman's room?  My thought to this (which I did not say) was, Can she (my friend) not stand up for herself? And why do you need to yell at a woman? Too afraid to stand up to a man who might beat the shit out of your wimpy ass? So you go after women instead? That right there is a tough guy. Oh, wait. I mean an asshole.

Sad.

So he can have my friend from high school who apparently does NOT think too much and does not speak up for herself and her friends.

P.S. Edited to add: All the while he was attacking me, he and his wife posted about an adult bible study they were hosting at their house that weekend. That's really all I have to say about that.