I Know Why the Chicken Crossed the Road.

I spent last week at Grammar Camp.

Stop laughing. I really did.

If you are imagining a camp that focuses solely on grammar - you would be imagining correctly.

If you are imagining me so absolutely in my element that I was sad to leave at the end - you would be imagining correctly.

This is the second time I have been sent to Camp. I am not sure if it is compliment that I am being sent. They might just be trying to get rid of me. They know that I won't turn down the opportunity to increase my nerdiness.

Camp was held on the third floor of a building across town. While waiting for a session to start, I looked out a window on to a neighborhood across the parking lot. There were beautiful mature trees and lush landscaping. I was jealous. As I watched this neighborhood from my window, I SAW A CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD. I thought, "What the eff. Is this a joke?" No. Seriously. One single chicken. Crossing the road.

I just feel as though my life is complete. I have seen it all.

Also, any time someone starts the joke "Why did the chicken cross the road?", which is a joke that you hear a lot when you teach in an elementary school,  I can tell them that I have seen the chicken cross the road and I know what her goal was. I know her motivation.

The damn thing just wanted to get to the other side.


Anyone else feel that their life is complete? Seen something unbelievable?

p.s. One of my students gave me a picture upon my return. It is a picture of me looking a bit bottom-heavy but well-dressed (tell it like it is, sister) and I am yelling in all caps "I LOVE MY CLASS!" and I am smiling and I am CRYING. I did not notice the tears until after the girl left but now I am curious why I am so happy that blue tears fall freely down my face.

p.p.s. There is a noise that has been coming from my ceiling since I moved into this new room. It happens every few minutes. It sounds like a giant guillotine chopping off someone's head. It is honestly the most gruesome noise you can imagine. So I sent a note to the principal letting her know that they might have accidentally installed a guillotine on the roof above my room and that it was loud and distracting and perhaps it was not in the students' best interest to have an instrument of torture at an elementary school. Please would they look into moving it or silencing it?

I will let you know what she says. I bet she sends me away to camp again.

Friday's Highlight - Which I Forgot to Post

School started on Wednesday.

It's been rough.

This might be the year I take up drinking. Just kidding. I am more a Valium kind of girl. Less calories.

Not a lot of highlights right now.

On the way to bus duty, though, I ran into a very young student. Probably kinder or first grade. Didn't know her. That doesn't stop itty-bitties, though. They will talk to just about anyone.

Student: Do you think I am going to miss the bus?
Me: No. I don't think so.
S: Are you sure?
Me: You won't miss the bus. Promise. I have to go to the buses, too. So you will be fine.
S: So this one day, I went to a meadow.
Me: Really? That sounds like fun.
S: Oh, it was. I saw butterflies and beautiful flowers and even some tweety birds.
Me: Wow. Did the tweety birds sing?
S: Yes. It was beautiful.
Me: Do you know what we call birds that sing?
S: Shakes head
Me: Songbirds.
S: Oh, I saw butterflies, beautiful flowers, and the most amazing songbirds.

It made my day. Parents, talk with your children. Introduce them to things. Expand their vocabulary. Offer them experiences. You don't need money to do this. Promise.

Oh, and I was kidding about the Valium. Relax, people.

Definitely Related - A quick overview of a root word and some affixes.

Dear World,
Let's have some fun with words, shall we?

Finite = bounds, limits, certainty

The nice people that came up with this word threw some affixes on it and called it definitely.

So spelling definitely should not be an issue. If finite means certainty or limits, definite means with certainty or limits, and definitely means in a definite, certain, or limited way.

These words are all related.

Not a single version of any of these words contains an "a".

Please stop spelling definitely like this: definately. As far as I know, "finate" is not a word.

In addition, in a world where everything is spell-checked and auto-corrected, how does this word still get spelled incorrectly?

Anyone else tired of seeing a specific word misspelled?

That is all.

p.s.
Five more days of school.

You Are Welcome, Arizona

As I was nearly killed by an idiot with a license (a license to KILL, if you will) while driving on my way home from work the other day, I began to think about all the other times that I have been (or nearly been, I guess) sacrificed by the horrible drivers here in the state of Arizona.

Friends? They are REALLY bad. As in, deadliest state in the country for driving. I read that in a book about Arizona. For my Arizona class that I took a few years ago. To include a statistic like that, it is almost like they are proud of how crappily they drive.

I would include the actual page number and name of the book, but it accidentally on purpose disappeared shortly after the class finished. First book I have ever been happy to lose.

Anyway, as many of you know, in the state of Arizona, NO SORT OF DRIVING CLASSES ARE REQUIRED in order to get a license. You just go in, prove your age, and get to drive. I might be missing a few little steps, but this is generally how it goes.

I could be all stereotypical and blame the driving just on people who grew up here, but guess what? Arizona is the Plymouth Rock of the Southwest. Those of us that have migrated here are like the pilgrims (Who we all know were not exactly the cream of the crop in Europe. More like the hookers and prisoners.) We seem to have forgotten our skills upon arriving in the new land, friends. We really have. Plus, let us not forget the joy that is Sun City (where I would not mind living but I am not old enough) where the cars are big, the drivers are slow, and the paths those big slow cars drive are deadly.

So as my gift to Arizona, my gift to all of us, really, I am going to offer weekly (or every other weekly. It depends on how much other charity/volunteer work I am doing besides this.) driving tips on here. Now if you know a driver in another state that might need a gentle (or not so gentle) reminder that they are an asshat and need to practice their driving skills, please refer them here. Or forward it to them. Whatevs. I just want to give back to my community, you know?

Stay tuned next week for our first lesson. Please note that you should NOT be driving while reading this lesson. This is more like, instruction in the classroom, practice what you learn later sorts of education.

It's a Beast!

 The other day I was modeling ways to create fractions.

When I was in school, I HATED fractions. But teaching them? Love. So different from when I was in school. This is much more hands-on, which I think is important. Also? Much more fun than worksheets.

Anyway, after doing 1/2, 1/4, and 1/8, it was time to cut out thirds. "I want to warn you," I told the students "thirds are beastly. They are much more difficult than halves, fourths, and eighths."

Student hand goes up.

"Yes?"

"Teacher? That is your opinion!" a student triumphantly points out (We were also working on facts and opinions).

I acknowledged that yes, that was my opinion, and we delved into thirds.

After a few seconds of folding and cutting, it was agreed by all.

Thirds were beastly.

Most of them got it eventually, so we moved on to the sixths. "If you think that thirds were beastly" I warned, "wait until you see the sixths!"

A student from the back stands up, stretches and shakes his arms skyward, and bellows (with his thick Hispanic accent) "Teacher? SHOW US THE BEAST!"

It's why I teach, friends.

P.S.

Just out of curiosity -  What was your worst subject/topic/thing to learn in school? Mine was that I could NOT tell time. Stupid clocks.

FtVF - What I Make - A (Not Truly) FtVF post.

Friends?

I have had a shitty week.

I am sick.

My dog is hurt. And on meds. Which sucks for both of us.

There has been a lot of conflict and disrespect here (at my school, my state, and around the country, I know) and my brain and heart are so confused.

And I have been witness to stuff with regards to students this week that has broken my heart. Which happens more often than it should. And more often than some of us who do not live in poverty realize.

So I can offer you this, which, at the moment, is where I am at. A screamy and angry place.

You're Killing Me, Smalls.

I'm shopping for a new car. I didn't tell you.

Or did I? I don't really know. 

If I didn't, I'm sorry. Plan on some super stories about some true idiots. I'm sure that there are some fantastic, smart, and honest car salesmen.

I haven't met them. I'm thinking I could put Atticus in his business suit:

Choo know the ladies love me.

And you might get a more intelligent, honest, and kind (if you like licks) salesman. He might get in some trouble for sexual harassment, but honestly? Not his fault.


Anyway, I just this very today got this email from Nissan:

 Emily,

Don't miss the biggest sales event of the year! Prime financing available for less than perfect credit!

• No payment for 90 days!
• 0.0%APR available!
• 3.9%APR for less than perfect credit!
• Arizona's largest selection of new Nissan's!
• Easy no haggle best pricing in place!
• Sale absolutley ends 05/31/11!
• Additonal rebates on most models!

DO NOT MISS THIS SALE!
-
Call Now 

Hey, Idiots. I think I already missed the sale. Seeing as how it is NOVEMBER. Also? Learn how to spell.

And earlier in the month I got this one, again from Nissan. Y'all are DUMB, Nissan. 

Caleb from ***** Nissan, Just want to fallow up and see if you would like to come back in and drive the rogue again and let us make you an offer you can reffuse. My managment team is extreamly motivated to get rid of some of our rogues especially sence are 2012 are coming in by the truck load. so if your still intrested in the rogue now is the time to get the deal of a lifetime. hope to hear from you soon have a great day.

I sent an email back to Caleb and I was like, "Hahahahahahahaha! Try spell check, "sence" you can't spell. It's awesome and FREE!"

And this? This is from the big kahuna himself. Don't you think someone checks this garbage before they send it out? I sent him an email saying that I'd spell check things for him for a small fee, that way he wouldn't send out mass-emails with mistakes in it. I didn't get a reply.

 

I would like to invite you back to personally sit down with you and show you not only to see how easy it is to do business here but, to also show you how we can save you some money.

They also have signs that say "Hundreds of Nissan Versa's on Sale Today!" that they put up on a regular basis. I die a little every.single.time I drive by it.

I'm losing faith in humanity. I know I makes mistackes sometymes, butt R U kiddding me hear? Freaking run it by someone with some skills. Jeremiah told them they should hire me. I'd gladly whoop their asses into shape.

Anyone else irked by something that you see all the time? Or do the wrong groups of people seem to be multiplying?

We Don't Need No Education.

Sing with me - "TEACHER! Leave those kids alone!"

Okay. So the last few weeks of school are stressful. There is so much crap that I put off until the last minute that is unimportant to me but I do it because I want my last paycheck of the school year and they won't give it to me if I don't do the unimportant crap a lot of really important tasks to be completed before I pass my wonderful students on to the next teacher. I really am sad to see them leave. It's the rest of the stuff that gets my panties all twisted. 

And then. Because I'm slightly stressed, I want to mention that genius me thought I could pull off two graduate classes while teaching. So that is what I am trying to do. Every.Single.Other.Thing.In.My.Life.Besides.Teaching.And.Grad.School.Has.Come.To.A.Hault


And in the back of my head I hear the lady that I spoke with during registration "This puts you at TWO classes while teaching full time. Do you really want to do this?" That lady needs to shut up. She got her point across.

But back to the screeching hault.

This includes the blog. And the tile is up and EVERYTHING and there all these projects we've got lined up. Including, but not limited to: TWO homemade light creations, kitchen curtain/blinds, beadboard for the island, and that pesky roman blind for the huuuuuuge front window. Oh, yeah. And the staining. I'm staining two coffee tables and two chairs.

And just to add to the stress, I'm sick. Again. Cue the sad music. The other night I irrigated my nose with the Neti-pot and all this STUFF came out and I was all, "Jeremiah, come see this!" and he wouldn't. Sadsies.

At some point I may share with all of you (and some of you already know) more about my disease sickies. And the meds that have lowered my immune system that are necessary to keep the disease sickies from spreading/progressing/causing me agonizing pain. But for now, just know that I am sick and miserable and trying to teach and trying to do two graduate classes.

p.s. In case you don't remember, I almost cut off my finger completing last year's "endoftheyear/mustbecompletedbeforewepayyou" checklist. If you didn't get a chance to read about that dark day when I cried in front of the custodians and said bitch in front of my Mormon teacher next door, you can live out the day HERE HERE HERE I ALMOST LOST A FINGER HERE.

p.p.s. I declare this post open for frustrated rants, comments, tirades, etc. Let it out, people. It isn't good for your skin to keep all that stress bottled up. As Meg Ryan says in French Kiss, "Express, don't repress."

p.p.p.s. I feel better already. I mean, mentally/emotionally. Not physically. That'll take some time. And some serious antibiotics.

Bathing Suit Underwear

In college, I went to school with a girl that completed the last of her winter finals with a bathing suit under her clothes.

All of her underwear was dirty.

And as all (most? some?) college students can tell you, why pay money to do laundry when you can wait and do it at home? I know that there were times when it was slim pickins in my "closet" but I just wore whatever because I didn't want to pay to do laundry as I would be going home soon. Sometimes I could go three weeks. Sometimes longer.

I owned a LOT of undies, yo. Just for that purpose.

But I never wore my bathing suit to finals. Never.

Why the post about undies, bathing suits, and finals?

I am currently writing a beast of a final research paper (which may or may not have induced tears and pouting on more than one occasion).

It has been two weeks without clean laundry.

Slim.Pickins, people. Slim pickins, for sure.

The bathing suits are on call. I'll just leave it at that.

p.s. I am not at all apologetic if that was too much information. You should have stopped when you read "Bathing Suit Underwear".

Good Dentists

I know that many of you might have already heard this and some of you don't care. That's fine. Here's a teacher-y post I found here that seems important and might help some people understand the stresses that teachers face, especially now with budget cuts and other woes.



My dentist is great! He sends me reminders so I don't forget
Check-ups. He uses the latest techniques based on research. He never hurts me, and
I've got all my teeth. When I ran into him the other day, I was eager to see if he'd
heard about the new state program. I knew he'd think it was great.

"Did you hear about the new state program to measure
effectiveness of dentists with their young patients?" I said. "No," he said. He didn't seem
too thrilled. "How will they do that?" "It's quite simple," I said. "They will
just count the number of cavities each patient has at age 10, 14, and 18 and
average that to determine a dentist's rating. Dentists will be rated as excellent, good, average, below average, and unsatisfactory. That way parents will know which are the best
dentists. The plan will also encourage the less effective dentists to get
better," I ! ; said. "Poor dentists who don't improve could lose their licenses to
practice."

"That's terrible," he said. "What? That's not a good attitude," I
said. "Don't you think we should try to improve children's dental health in
this state?" "Sure I do," he said, "but that's not a fair way to determine who
is practicing good dentistry." "Why not?", I said. "It makes perfect
sense to me."

"Well, it's so obvious," he said. "Don't you see that dentists
don't all work with the same clientele, and that much depends on things we
can't control? For example, I work in a rural area with a high percentage of
patients from deprived homes, while some of my colleagues work in upper middle-
class neighborhoods. Many of the parents I work with don't bring their children to see
me until there is some kind of problem, and I don't get to do much
preventive work. Also, more educated parents who understand the relationship
between sugar and decay. To top it all off, so many of my clients have well water which
is untreated and has no fluoride in it. Do you have any idea how much
difference early use of fluoride can make?"

"It sounds like you're making excuses," I said. "I can't believe
that you, my dentist, would be so defensive. After all, you do a great job,
and you needn't fear a little accountability."
"I am not being defensive!" he said. "My best patients are as
good as anyone's, my work is as good as anyone's, but my average cavity count is
going to be higher than a lot of other dentists because I chose to work where
I am needed most."

"Don't get touchy," I said. "Touchy?" he said. His face had
turned red, and from the way he was clenching and unclenching his jaws, I was afraid he was going to damage his
teeth. "Try furious! In a system like this, I will end up being rated
average, below average, or worse. The few educated patients I have who see these
ratings may believe this so-called rating is an actual measure of my ability
and proficiency as a dentist. They may leave me, and I'll be left
with only the most needy patients. And my cavity average score will get even
worse. On top of that, how will I attract good dental hygienists and other
excellent dentists to my practice if it is labeled below average?"

"I think you are overreacting," I said. "'Complaining, excuse-
making and stonewalling won't improve dental health'...I am quoting from a
leading member of the DOC," I noted. "What's the DOC?" he asked. "It's
the Dental Oversight Committee," I said, "a group made up of mostly lay
persons to make sure dentistry in this state gets improved. "Spare me," he said, "I can't believe this. Reasonable people won't buy it," he said hopefully.
The program sounded reasonable to me, so I asked, "How else would
you measure good dentistry?" "Come watch me work," he said. "Observe my
processes." "That's too complicated, expensive and time- consuming," I
said. "Cavities re the bottom line, and you can't argue with the bottom line.
It's an absolute measure." "That's what I'm afraid my parents and
prospective patients will think. This can't be happening," he said despairingly.
"Now, now," I said, "don't despair. The state will help you
some." "How?" he asked. "If you receive a poor rating, they'll send a dentist who
is rated excellent to help straighten you out," I said brightly. "You
mean," he said, "they'll send a dentist with a wealthy clientele to show me how
to work on severe juvenile dental problems with which I have probably had
much more experience? BIG HELP!"

"There you go again," I said. "You aren't acting professionally
at all." "You don't get it," he said. "Doing this would be like grading schools
and teachers on an average score made on a test of children's progress with no
regard to influences outside the school, the home, the community served and
stuff like that. Why would they do something so unfair to dentists? No one
would ever think of doing that to schools."

I just shook my head sadly, but he had brightened. "I'm going to
write my representatives and senators," he said. "I'll use the school
analogy. Surely they will see the point." He walked off with that look of hope
mixed with fear and suppressed anger that I, a teacher, see in the mirror so
often lately.

If you don't understand why educators resent the recent federal
NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND ACT, this may help. If you do understand, you'll enjoy
this analogy, which was forwarded by John S. Taylor, Superintendent of Schools
for the Lancaster County, PA, School District.

Editor's Note (that's me!) : I know that I chose my job and most of the time I love it. I know that many jobs are stressful. This is just to help some people understand demands placed on teachers...those people that think we get three months off in the summer, are just babysitting during the day, and work less hours than other professionals.