No. 1: Jumps.

A couple of years into our relationship Jeremiah and I were enjoying Jamba Juices outside JoAnne's (I make him go with to protect me from the crazy people and impulse purchases) and we were talking about whatever and he was all casually like, "Well, it was sort of around the time when I got jumped..." As if he'd mentioned the fact that strangers had beat the snot out of him before. He hadn't, by the way. For those that are wondering a time frame, this was approximately ten years B.E. (Before Emily).

I made him tell me all the details. I'm not going to put everything here. I've got to save some things for my memoirs.  I will tell you this: his numero uno concern was the king-sized candy in his pocket. I can identify. That would have been my numero dos concern (second to only, you know, my body). Especially if I had some Twizzler Sours in my pocket. They aren't even available anymore and I would fight to the death for a pack of those. Once Jeremiah got me TWO LARGE PACKS for my birthday and Spike ate them in the backseat while Jeremiah was in the store getting me a card. All the loose ones and the ones that the dog couldn't get because his nose was too large Jeremiah put in a ziplock baggy and gave me. Thanks, Babe. For reals. Thanks. Do you think I'm gross? I'm not. The dog has all his shots. And I'm not going to think about the fact that he likes his other treats to come from the litter box.

Anyway, back to the jumping -
So then, because I am nothing if not a good girlfriend, I laughed. I laughed at my boyfriend hysterically while he relived a traumatic event. At one point I managed to gasp, "Were...you...okay?"He gets mad when I laugh about this.  "It was not funny." is what he says to me. That might make me laugh more.

For the record - I know that getting jumped is serious, but to hear it so casually tossed into a conversation like one might announce they are going for a walk or putting gas in the car - hilarious.

For sure I'm going to hell except that I've got my "get out of hell free" card. They give it to teachers that teach in less than desirable areas. I'm still going to see if I can drive the bus down so I can give smooches to Jeremiah as I drop him off and visit with some people.

I mean, he did, after all, give me used candy for my birthday.

p.s. Jeremiah asked me if that story was going in my book. I told him hells yes it was and that also I would be taking the pictures for the cover of the book myself. I told him my plan and he shook his head and looked away. Then the vet came in the room to stick the thermometer up Mel's butt and that kind of ends all conversation. Because I had to hold up her tail. Awkward. Hard to hold kitty tail when you are silently laughing.

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